Mah dude and Renaissance Man, Cee-Lo Green, as Pimperella: Grande Kunt of Da Bawl.
Behold, the Glooory of Heidi Klum in a tweeked Mondo original.
Charo givin you’se girls that glamorous “Scarlet O’Hara-Mammy-Make-Me-A-Couture-Outta-Mah-Mama-Bedazzled-Parlor-Drapes” look thats so Haute in da streets right now.
Lucrecia’s home-did prom shroud and Crayola box-braids.
Ah Jake, I can see from your stylish ensemble you’ve made a personal Christian commitment to bless God with your life. I thank the Lordt’ for you ministry. I will be holding you at gun point and pistol whippin that head borrowing that scarf………..and, jacket………………slacks……..y’know, uh, just…….just don’t be expecting to wear that more than this one time.
P.S. What “water” stain on the front of your left pant leg?
Posted in HAUTE 'N' Random, HAUTE Man Person, Jake Gyllenhaal
I know that you did not just stumble and fall on the runway during fashion week and as if that wasn’t enough, take off the shoe and hobble your little hobbit headed body off stage!?!?!?
Oh!………I’m sorry…………..was walking to the end of the runway and back without the aid of an act of God too difficult to pull off?
REALLY?! At the Burberry show too? I knew when they start lettin models eat again we’d have problems. If I had my way lil girl, the only fashion job you’d be able to get after this would be selling t-shirts at the tractor pull gift shop to dudes nick-named Bubba whose idea of high-fashion is a pair of overalls that don’t have a hole in the crotch!
These models clearly don’t know how to execute a professional walk unless Ms. Anna Wintour is runnin behind em’ crackin that name brand whip!
Let’s Not Forget The Classic:
*Rachel Zoe stacatto rambling* “Couldn’t – You – Just – Uh – Die?”
Of course, I personally could’ve died watchin this, but the delicious blood of Christ has beat back the kunt of death…………I thank you dear Jesus……thank you. Y’know, the only way you can tell which is the real Rachel Zoe is by the premium strand donkey hair weaving around the hairline. Everybody knows Rachel Zoe, my boo, don’t wear no premium strand, nothin but midwest trailer shedded flyaways. That cyborg too did up to be my boo! *gum pop*
….stop lookin around, I mean YOU…..or have we forgotten about the gov’ment a$$i$tance we’ve been tryin to get our couture with knowin full well Nordstroms dont take no ”foodstamp charge card”. Don’t be ashamed, at least you didn’t earn it on your back or balancin on your head or whatevah *shrug*…..
I thought I’d post this piece of smut for you shoe whores, y’know, those of you not afraid to turn some tricks for some kicks. *KA-BOOOOM* OH! Did you hear that? That was the sound of someones inner-meats goin nuclear, how pleasant. I’ll thank you however to quit rubbin your body up against the screen, this ain’t that kinda site.
Posted in Shoe Obsessional
According to the grapevine *ahem, FashionINDIE*, Conde Nast don’t want no stinking Vogue Africa!
Glamour guru Mario Epanya had been pitching the ambitious idea to Conde via email along with these breathtaking samples he imagined but Conde said NO! Conde?………..Condeeeh?……..c’mon Conde!
Well now, wait, we won’t jump to any extreme conclusions. I’m sure Conde was just confused cuz there weren’t any monkeys or chimpanzee’s on the cover throwin poo or slangin bananas or nibblin fleas out of the next monkeys fur. Maybe Conde Nast was confused as to why no one had a bone in their ear lobe or a disc in their lip. Probably Conde Nast wondered why none of the models were suckin the meat out of a watermelon through a gap where African cootie bacteria malnourishmentz had eaten a hole through their purple gums. I mean these covers imagined by glamour guru Mario Epanya, they’re preposterous. These beautiful and regal models look human, not a thumbless primate among them and that can’t be real actual uncartoon life.
On top of which, Vogue and Vogue Australia and Vogue India and Vogue UK and Vogue Japan and Vogue Nippon and Vogue Antarctica and Vogue Moon and Vogue Atlantis show plenty of black models. Vogue Africa would just be frivolous. Does anyone know the true reason? I guess only Conde Nast and Conde Nasts stable of Aunt Je-mammies and Uncle Ben’s and gorilla human hybrids are the only ones that will ever know. Next up, Vogue Eskimo *sips coffee*
Various earthquakes in various lands…..
BP makes poo-fudgez in the Gulf…….
Miley Cyrus exposed her teeny puddin…..
Clearly the Lord is pisst’ and now this disaster!? Nike Harajuku offered 24 spots for its NikeID Bespoke personalized specialty sneaker experience and all 24 spots were gobbled up in mere minutes, dashing the hopes of hundreds of losers hopefuls upon the cruel rocks of fate. There’s a fashion slut cryin into a jug of gin as we speak, pray his strength (and NO it is not me). The experience includes a 90 minute consultation where the participant can choose from wild fabric and print choices not available to other consumers. Whats really sad is I didn’t even know! No email, no text, no smoke signal, no carrier pigeon, no Nahthingk’! Anderson Cooper is slippin, I mean he can report on crap like Haiti and Katrina but life altering events like this?………..no Anderson Cooper!
More At: Freshness Mag
Posted in Shoe Obsessional
Remember that time yawl had to scrape together some money to bail me outta jail when I tackled the lip-glossed kunt that was holdin that last pair of Adidas JS Wings by Jeremy Scott and I had to hire Johnny Cochran from beyond the grave to play the race card against the system to get me off bcuz the lip-glossed kunt, JayLaVonte ShaCreem and his sidekunt LaMichael McPattyCakeletz, who shall remain nameless, decided to press charges cuz he alleeeeged that in the collision his hymen was broken, therefore stealing his virginity *inhale*. Well the 2010 collection for Adidas by Jeremy Scott is here and I’m standing across the boutique from her kunty lipglossedness and he’s holdin the last pair of Jeremy Scott polka-dot parachute pants and well……….yawl take out a pay day loan, I’ma need yawl to come get me from the clink again…..CHAAAARGE! Hurry before the inmates realize I have the back-doe cakes and thighs of a healthy corn-fed southern belle, I got my back pressed against the cell wall, prayin in tongues as we speak.
Pictures via: Freshness Mag
Old Spice Dude answering questions to fans and celebrity stalkers? My Gaude, My GAUDE! ARRRGGH, Tiddys!!!
Everytime I turn around Tiddys! Old Spice Tiddys here, Old Spice Tiddys there, everywhere! Old Spice Tiddys on the t.v. & on the radio. Old Spice Tiddy shapes in the clouds, jiggle flexin through my nightmares, holdin up banks at gunpoint, suffocatin death row inmates for the state to save tax payer dollars and NOW Old Spice Tiddy setz on the YouTube?! Did a certain *ahem* starlet part her thighs and unleash Apocalypse already? Well, If you ain’t know, Old Spice dude is shuckin them MANmaries for fortune & fame and I’m p-i-ss-e-d. Of course, if the truth be told I have the tiddy envy. Not that my boi-tiddyz aren’t evuhreethiing, but……..well……..Old Spice dudes are just…………well, bigger than mine. It just reminds me that I benchpress the same amount as a sickly young armless girl and that’s just depressing. Enjoy these tiddys while I get back on my workout regimeeenn.
More Old Tiddy here: OldSpiceYouTube
Here’s Calvin Kleins 2011 Fall/Winter ad campaign which proves that manorexia is alive and well…….or at least until it collapses from lack of good ol’ fatnin eats. Y’know what tho, No other pretty young white children could’ve done the ”greasers” look better. In my opinion, when it comes to jeans, I’ve always been torn between Levi’s original and Calvin Kleins. Both are sturdy, made extremely well and both are sleek enough to go undetected when smuggling out of a store under another pair of jeans……..so I’ve heard. Really, the only difference between the two is whether you want your balls crushed in front of you with rug burn from your pubes or whether you want your balls crushed under you in the mildewy dankness of the taint. Which pair will do which foolishness is for you to find out and me to laugh about later when you become sterile with the humorous and bitter spirit of erectile dysfunction. For me tho, nothing matters but the fit cuz I’ve the thighs and boy-donk of a Clydesdale stallion to fill out both. Now, isn’t that all that matters here?
Posted in HAUTE Ads
Happy Memorial Day Americanz!
Let us not forget that this day is not about stuffin your lovehandles with BBQ’d carnage but about the men and women that had the balls to put their tiddies on the glass and tell opponents of freedom, “No Ma’am Gyrl! Not in my country, now sat down and shat up”. Don’t get me wrong now, I’m about to get ugly with a plate of mesquite pig knuckles myself, but while I’m lettin the demon of gluttony have itz way, I’m gonna be pourin out some of my mama’s homemade chicken chitlin glaze for our fallen military peoples. They deserve that and so much more, thank you wonderful soldiers. This is one person that will never forget.
Giiiirrrrrllll, yo side ponytail is everything but you boy tiddy gets 2 drill team demerits. I was about to urinate on my screen, as I thought this was Lindsey Lohan at first, but then I realized it wasn’t and clenched to spare my co-workers and computer from an unnecessary golden showah, WRETCHEDT’. ELLE mag gets the best lookin dolls for their covers don’t they?
Posted in Magerzine
In an age of wannabes, copy-cats and attention whores, there was an original by the name of Alexander McQueen. What a magnificent, unparalleled soul. How tragic that he’ll never again take us by the hand and lead us down the rabbit hole to that beautifully frightening universe where zombie dolls and chiffon clad phantoms frolic in fields of heather colored houndstooth. The misunderstood legends of art now have a fellow in tragedy, of cruel fate. He was simply, THAT dude!
Posted in R.I.P.
Giuliano Fujiwara Fall/Winter 2010 (MilanFashionWeek)
1. This is Fashion
2. Keep An Open Mind
3. Note The Strategic Layering and Shut-Up & Respect My Authoritaaaaar
This is the Giuliano Fujiwara Fall/Winter 2010 collection that recently showed at Milan Fashion Week and before I go get a payday loan to get myself some, lemme tell you about it. This seasons collection seems less calculated and not as glossy as the previous with what’s being called “Grunge Street Samurai” which makes me feel very DragonBall-Z, I Super Saiyan on yawl girlz! *Ahem* Uh, there’s almost a serene undertone to its careless chaos. Now I know generally when men wear skirts its followed by a chorus of It’s Raining Men and a shot to face of confettiz and glitterz but in this instance I want you to take your head out of your sphincter and understand these skirts are more Eastern Religion chic than RuPaul control top pantyhose’d military tucks. SashayShantaeSHABAAM!
The beauteous Liya Kebede graces the cover of the January issue of Italian ELLE. Isn’t she delicious?! Someone’s lookin real Ritz cracker spreadable *nom.nom.nom*and I put that on my mama nem. Right now she’s givin you bohemian alleyway socialite, itz a real look too, google it boo. I would take the time to break down the look and the designers but the side notes are all in Italian and we all know they didn’t teach foreign language in the hood…….let alone any other quality higher edumatationz so letz just enjoy Liya and her buttery brown ovahness.
<flix via ConcreteLoop>
Posted in Editorials Iz HAUTE, Magerzine, Modelz
As I set here sippin communion Welches that I stole from church, I can’t help but be excited about this new year and all the wonderful things I’m hopin for. 2009 was the year of stagnation and I personally thank the lord that girl is dead so much so that I’m spittin on itz grave. Burn in hell 2009! May the devil boil you in a vat of hot gritz forevermore you unsuccessful lazy whore, Good Evenin Girl! In this new year I pray that the Gaude of Glamah sprinkle happy glitterz all over your life and every endeavour prospers by leaps & bounds in spite of various hoe-mongerinz you have yet to send back to the pit of hell.
Look for a new look and a new name coming soon.
Dear Jesus of Divine Ovahness,
Oh cosmic stylist of heaven, I snap Z formation in a circlez 3 times in the beauty of your glamourness and things of that nature. I know that itz your will for me to be more beateous than these carbon based life forms and their Payless couture, so won’t you please get for me my very own collection of men’s 2010 Louboutins. I’d buy it myself but I don’t think Mr. Louboutin takes food stamps and who knows how many babies I’d have to steal and sell on the black market for that kinda cash. I was gonna call up Sugah Mama so she’d buy it for me but for some reason people seem to look at that kind of transaction as prostitution and I won’t be a part of that kinda foolishness………………anymore. If you do this for me, I promise to never again plot against Anna Wintours bob of wonder……….well……at least not on Sun’dy. Hurry Jesus cuz I’m clenchin my brown eye in anticipation, I wantz it!
In the strength of Leyomi’s strong Cro-magnon jaw line,
Yay-man!
P.S. I’m still waitin for that bedazzled LouWee Baton duffle with a lock of premium lace wig from Sasha Fierce, yaaahs
Glamouratti everywhere can relax and stop clenching their brown eye cuz it appears we’ve dodged the ugly train save for that one new member I pushed into itz path for the fun of it. I thought I was gonna have to snatch out my earrings, lace up my tennis shoes and Vaseline my face down for a swift trip to Ungaro headquarters to injure me some interns and administrators. Apparently, the fashion line has met with some resistance from retailers and fashion critics that are skeptical of Lohan as a contributor. In other words, it’d be a cold, penicillin free day in the deep, itchy cavern of firecrotch b4 they would jump onboard. If you want to end your company why don’t you just do like respectable peoples and hire thugs to burn it down so’s you can collect the insurance money and retire to Fiji with your employees pension funds, GAUDE! Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of Mean Girls just like the next kunt but I don’t even trust Lindsey with her own life choices let alone anyone elses. Thank the Lord of Pink Slippage and Unemployment that we dodged that trip to the free clinic!
Posted in HAUTEBlog Newz, No.....Seriously......I'll Kill You!
Tagged Fashion, Lindsey Lohan, Ungaro
If you were ever in a 12 step program for addiction to Oochy-Wallah and the Projects Sex and The City, then you’re a Patrica Field stan(fan + stalker = stan) like me. Patricia was the costume designer/stylist for the series and the movie. I wonder if she also styled the Sushi bikini Samantha’s snackerdoodle wore in the film *ponders*. I personally had to go through a 3 week deliverance service, were I was doused in anointin’ oils and suffocated with a prayer shawl and by the sweet, delicious spittle of Christ I was delivered……….now I only watches the re-runs. Back in everyday people land, Patricia Fields online store has debuted new pieces for the forward and ris-kaaay. Body suits, jackets, dresses and Patricia’s original claim to fame, leggings. I would cop me a pair of the mens legginz and break out these buttery brown thigh meatz on yawl but I don’t want to be anybodys reason to embrace the piss green spirit of jealousy, that girl is a’mighty unsavoury!
Shakira ft Lil Wayne – Give It Up To Me
I bind and rebuke the uterus poppin spirit of Sasha Fierce! Come out I say, back to the hoodray house part from whence you came *flings anointing oil drenched Louis Vuitton prayer shawl*. Sweet gyratin back doe’ cakez of hell, who knew that Shakira was a get it-get it-go girl. In this sweet and to the point vid for her new song Give It Up To Me, our chaste She-Wolf bangs out this jammin negro spiritual with her new buss-it-baby, sperm bank extraordinaire Lil Wayne and he brought along his dreadlock extensions, how Christ like of him. Anywhorez, you get it Shaki, you bettah bake and serve them hot cakes and empanadas and things of that nature. Check out the buttah brown hip-hop dancers pushin that baby maker to improve international relations, Oooo Shakira, you all down with the colored people and stuh’.
Posted in HAUTE Tunez, Hippity-Hop, Shakira
Tagged Dance, Dancers, Fashion, Hip Hop, Lil Wayne, Little Wayne, Music, Shakira, She Wolf, Style, Timbaland, Video
Beyonce ft Lady GaGa – VideoPhone
I don’t know what stunt Beyonce’s jigglin donkey cakez is tryna pull but I wantz my money back………and I ain’t even paid none! I watched this vid last night and tho I was livid with disappointment, I slept on it. Alas, however, I awake to find it wasn’t a wet nightmare but it was in fact the blood pissing tragedy that it is. What a waste of manpower and billable hours! I’m sure gaggles of gayz everywhere are catchin the vaporz and clutchin their salt water pearls becuz of this foolishness but I’m not amused for we are not ignorant of the devils devices *praise break*. The devil is workin, really workin and now that gyrl has moved into workin in video production cuz clearly this is the workinz of evil from the moist dewey warmth of hell. I knew ‘VideoPhone’ was about a video phone but I don’t see why it has to look like IT WAS FILMED ON ONE, and why is my GaGa-Goo barely in it? What did B have her doin the whole time, chillin at the Kraft services table eatin pastry, tryna make new dimples of cellulite?! What I really wanna know is, who let their child edit this on their college grade calculator becuz I’m ready to exact my revenge. Howz about a nice chemical peel with battery acid and staples. Itz like I’ve been anticipating this moment ever since I heard about it and now, like a new virginal bride with an inexperienced husband, I’m left feelin unsatisfied, greasy and sore! I loves my Beyonkey Donkey but thank GAUDE itz not to late to annul this thing!
Posted in Beyonce, Lady of Gaga-Goo, Questionable?, Z'maji Sayz
Yaaaaaaaaaahhsss Tenitra Michelle La’Destiny Fierce! Live Judy, LIVE!
CHUYCH!!!
Easter Sun’dy Best, B Selection Soloist Game Propah!
If you don’t know, Tenitra is Michelle’s real live Gaude given negro spiritualized 1st name……I know, right! I spazzed a gay old spazz and my face quite yesterday when I seent’ Destinys Child’s church hen meltin photo lenses with feverz and thangs of that nature. I thought it was Sausage Fierce but when I didn’t see a leotard strip pulled up into exposed crotch petals I realized it was our little missionary Michelle, yawl know this lil ol’ thang is destroyin ya self-esteem right nah! These snapz are from a recent photo shoot with photog guru Derek Blanks which I’m surprised looked this good after Derek’s encounter with the Artificial House Monkeys of Atlanta. I’m surprised he survived cuz y’know harpies suck the life outta unsuspecting men to stay young so they can live to terrorize mankind for another 100 years. Itz kinda like socialite harpies filling their face cracks with butt fat and foreskin pomeade, only more invasive like a hot grease colonic. And at that last statement, I see I’ve gotten off subject into a really dark, desolate ugly place: Wal-Mart’s apparel section. See Tenitra below and fling a lil love gift in the offerin plate b4 you leave:
Coiled dreams flowing from the mind, tangled free falling tendrils, billowing with abandon in the caress of winds from the east. Crown, Treasure, Fantasy, illuminated by the light of a jealous sun.
Posted in Beautiful Ones
Aren’t these the cutest most mortifying little trinkets that ever slipped out of the abysmal hole of hell. When you look at them, itz almost like you can feel your soul bein sucked out through your crap shoot, kinda tickles doesn’t it *giggletz*. In celebration of kick starting the Apocalypse his magnificent new line of apparel, being released exclusively via collete, Karl Lagerfeld(Oh Mighty Prince of Darkness), along with Tokidoki have released a mini collectable of Karlz own likeness, sounds like some’o'dat devil worshipin to me! Itz almost hard to tell them apart what with the skinny black suit, the slicked back coif of white hair, the dark shades that hide the dead lifeless eyes, burning with a tyrannical rage bent on the utter destruction of man-kind and existence as we know it……..yaaahs, a perfect likeness. Peeer-fict!
Yeeeeee-Dawwwgggy! Well slap my cakez and stirrup my heffah hoez, who knew that country folks wore anything but Yee Haw jean overalls and the crisp, raunchy fragrance of horse droppinz? Wretched! Well I didn’t know…….really I didn’t. Honestly, the most amazin thing is that everybody had all their teef and no one was chewin on a piece of straw. Of course, that’s false advertisin. I mean, I don’t even think there was anybody there that could say that their girlfriend was also their sister, what kinda knock off hoe down is that? I just love that glittery backwoods chic of the CMA’s in all it’s bold, blonde, wide toothed bustiness and itz sparkling cloud of toxic hairspray. I say a health lung tissue is a small sacrifice to make for Country music’s biggest night! Mmm, smells like cow chips!
*takes a puff from oxygen tank*
This is Rebe McEntire………and this is her fine middle age’d body draped in a low cut sequined gown, jealous much?
Kellie Pickler lookin real right in a copper lame onesie, not sure about that hair, Do Ovah Pleeze!
Best Dressed of the night, Sugarland! Tailored suit and Tier-Trained gown game propah! Jennifer…..how YOOOU doah?
The Power House Underwood in all her pageantee glory! Miss Nashville better watch her spray tan’d bikini stubble!
Kanye victim Taylor Swift in a chiffon sequined prom dress.
Country’s hottest couple, The McGraws, lookin real sexy for Jesus
LeAnn decked in all white AND a white gown *rimshot*. Get it? NO?…….Get OUT!
Nicole and Keith and her bosom, all choked up – screaming for air and retribution
Uh Oh, Man-Diva Ovahness Alert! Someones lookin Fabuluuusssss Danny Gokeeeeyyy
Chuck Wicks givin you face in a casket sharp, two piece. Somebody put a mirror under his nose to see if he’s still breathin…….
Posted in Red Carpet
Lady GaGa – Bad Romance
What was……………….I mean……………………..I don’t……………………why was…………………………….who in the…………..
This is your brain on Gaga!
I don’t even know what to tell you’se reprobates about Lady Gaga’s new video becuz after I watched it I slammed my head against my computer screen in excitement and rolled around on the floor praisin Gaude for fashions and thangs. I thought I was havin a stroke cuz I couldn’t feel the right side of my face but then I realized it was b’cuz I was droolin onto my keyboard in a haze of GlitterLust…………maybe it was contact high from the narcotic binge that obviously created this ugly fabulussness? All I know is Gaga owe me a new keyboard and $750 to replace my flat screen monitor(I don’t have a flat screen monitor). Honestly, I haven’t formed a cohesive line of thoughts in days……. I’m so afraid, hold me…………but wait, ummm, I’m gonna need you to keep your hands on the outside of my clothes please?
Posted in Glittahz, HAUTE Tunez, Lady of Gaga-Goo
After you’re done drooling on my blog and leave a substantial check to pay for the water damage you’ve caused maybe you’ll be able to read my post! *scowl of southern gentlemanly disapproval*
The cover of this Decembers W magazine has some how taken us for dribbling, diaper wearin idiots b’cuz it says that this fine piece of estrogen is 47 years old. Now I might have to wear a diaper on occasion but I am not an idiot, a prefer the term ‘selectively moronic’. Alas, however, the flyin monkey trolls over at Wikipedia say that she is in fact 47 but that’s of course if you want to buy into their confirmed and validated, time-tested information, PUH-LEEEZE! Even tho these pictures have clearly been touched by the au natural magic of photoCHOP demons, we all know from our inappropriate teenage fantasies that she basically does look just like this. Oh Demi, I don’t care if your hip gives out and your skin turns paper-thin causing a rustling sound every time you take a deep breath, you’ll always be the Cougar whose Depends I’d love to change…………Ewwww!
Posted in Cougarz, Demi Moore-Willis-Kutcher, Magerzine
Leighton Meester Ft. Robin Thicke – Somebody To Love
Careful Meester, Paula is pregnant that means she can get away with acts of murder and blame it on the stress of pregnancy or questionable late-nite food combinations. I must be totally honest, when I found out that Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl was going to be puttin out music, I took out a major insurance policy on my ears. It covers bleeding of the ear drums, sudden imploding of the cochlea and provides hearing aids in the case of blunt force trauma to the inner ear situation. I’m so glad to say that I was wrong, I mean real wrong, wronger than polyester blended gowns and heavy blue eyeshadow at prom. Between Leighton being draped in couture and Robin Thicke coo’n through this piece of glam pop, the Meester is my new favorite stalk!
When I saw these Kenzo Wedges I slammed my head into my comp and gave thanx to Anna Wintour’s bob of wonder for allowing such wahn-da-fohl-ness to descend from the heavens. These sturdily built toe crushers cost a pretty penny but if I know you, you’re not above roughin up some little old lady for her pension check & soft carmels to get the funds. Deep down, granny would want you to buy your tootsies a little happiness from Kenzo, geriatrics are so kind & givin y’know. Make sure she can’t identify your face in a line up tho, they don’t let you rock fierce kicks in maximum security and those orange polyester blended jumpsuits can be a real damper on one’s will to live sense of style.
Posted in HAUTE finds, Shoe Obsessional
