*DISCLAIMER* I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST TEEN MOTHERS, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. ALSO I HAVE “THAT” SENSE OF HUMOR, SO LAUGH ABOUT IT AND MOVE ON…..DO.NOT.WRITE. ME EMAILS ABOUT HOW CRUEL I AM TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTERS LIMBER PORNOGRAPHIC SEXCAPADES ON SPRING BREAK IN CANCUN THAT MADE YOU A GRANNY BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD YOUR 1ST BOTOX UNFORTUNATE SITUATION.
In this corner weighing (even I’m not gonna play about a chicks weight) pounds, in the “My sister flashed her cout’er to the paparrazzi and all she got was this shirt” with the growing baby bump, Jamie Lynn Spears AND in this corner, weighing (I already told you I’m not goin there) pounds soaking wet, in her mommas bedsheets and her sisters run over shoes, Solange Piaget Knowles-Smith…….whew! that name?!
Alright blood thirsty fashionophiles, it’s time for our favorite past-time where we pit young “starlets”, official douchebags & style superheroes against each other in a carnage fest called HauteBlogBattleArena, MU-HA-HA-HAAAAA! Today it’s our favorite little sisters Solange and Jamie Lynn. They’ll battle it out in a weave pulling, eye-scratchin’, white knuckle battle to the death for the title of ”Hautest Teen Baby Momma”. After getting in a “family way” from playing big girl & bumpin” uglies with high school boy toys, who is the Queen of the teen yummy mummys. Ladies, Gentlemen & Undecided, I present the evidence…….
Lookin’ like poster children for siesta with big sis……time for a sedative and some napage
Ballyhoo and Fooleries on the red carpet
Givin’ you glamour & pose for them girls reppin’ that underage prenatal care
-Z’maji, “Who’s takes the crown and the grand prize of a screamin’, breast feedin’ parasite?”
It looks like a gaggle of mangy crows and a bedazzled herd of trannies died to make this dress………..and then her majesty picked a few pink roses and decided to bootleg a handbag, do it Miss Monaco giiiirrrl. The Princess Caroline of Hanover stumbled her way into the Monte Carlo Rose Ball 08′ all smiles and giggles, totally unaware that her gay best friend stylist had set her up for failure. Since I’m all up in her cracker barrell about what she has on, I’ll refrain from making gardening jokes about her “handbag”. Ladies, if you’re an older sophisticated woman, it is unsavoury to show up to a gala flashin’ flat, liver spotted, old skool tiddy, I mean her own kin wouldn’t even pull her to the side and help her out, that’s cold. What is really gettin’ me is that she really seems oblivious to the fact that her bizniss is showin’. I guess that open champagne bar started gettin real good to her and she said to herself, “I’m the princess of Monaco, I wish ya’ll would say somethin’ bout my vintage tiddys”. Of course she would have been the worst dressed there buuuuutt,
^^Karl Lagerfeld (love him in spite of himself *the genius behind Chanel*) showed up lookin’ like ‘Beelzebub, Oh Mighty Prince Of Darkness’ and well……..well, Jesus wept.
Awwww, Whyte Jesus is weeping for her majesty……he truly loves us all.
Her Daughter however could get it and thrice on Sun’dy………
-Z’maji, “There’s a stylist in the kingdom that will be beheaded at noon tomorrow – SLAY HER NOW!!!”
[pic swipped from Perez Hilton, it was too perfect to not steal]
Dear Mrs. Holmes-Cruise,
In light of the information that you will be “designing” your own death shrouds clothing line for Armani, this is your official warning. If you DARE to make a bunch of pretentious crap with pricetags that can only be paid for with prostitution…. NOTHING, NOT EVEN XENU & ALL THE OTHER SCIENTOLOGY EXTRATERRESTRIALS WILL BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU FROM THE WRATH TO COME THAT IS Z’MAJI, play with me if you want heffa! Now aside from my promise to DESTROY your life if you screw with the fashion consumers, I actually am really becoming fond of you and your newfound sense of style. I think that since you’ve gotten with Tommy, your look has totally improved but that is one of the perks of bein Mrs. Cruise…..that and your career flops……..oh and after you bare his seed your womb is decimated to shreds of flesh, never to produce life again…
– In the love of white Jesus, Z’maji
-Z’maji, “I really will hurt you sweetie, don’t play”
That boy’ clean! He looks good and ready for a face-2-face to chew the fat with Jesus. It’s like a mix between ‘Ethan Hawke in Gattaca’ and the Million Dollar man sprinkled with scientology chic for his feature in the quarterly men’s fashion bible magazine, V-Man. My one problem with this shoot is that he’s wearing my shoes, those D&G white leather tennis shoes……such a good reason to commit armed robbery, be afraid *squints*. As much as people try to make Ashton just another ‘perty’ face, he’s actually a talented actor and a savy business man what with his ventures into film and t.v. production………..of course doing ”Punk’d” didn’t help that image in any way but he’s growing – baby steps, baby steps.
-Z’maji, “ Um Demi, uuuuuh, I don’t know if it’s a good idea to let children wear all white” *crickets*
I don’t even care about PETA. I mean they can go suck it right along with all the other people that would take out a family of six in a mini-van to save a stray mutt on the freeway, but you must be sniffin’ high grade latex paint to wear AAAAAALLLLL that dead cow…….ANYWHERE! You look like you skinned poor Elsie with your own finely manicured hands cuz you’re seriously channelin’ vampire bloodsucker, IT GOT YOU LOOKIN’ SO CRAZY RIGHT NOW.
You betta be glad I love me some you, I mean I would take out that family of six on the freeway to save you but I can’t go for these kinda of foolish dealins’. Therefore, becuz you so phoine, I will officially ‘let you make it’……..but don’t wear that no mo……NO MO!
-Z’maji, “Call me when you bury what’s left of that cow….”
Yes Ma’am. Look at Ms. Bassett givin’ yawl pose, servin’ you girls like McDonald’s. Angie was scrumshatashous (captain obvious) on the red carpet for the premiere of “Meet The Browns” (it comes out Friday, go see it or GOD will let Paris Hilton release another album). Yes Fashnophiles, black don’t crack, it might catch a sickle cell or the diabetes, but crack……..oh no sir! Now lust for her empire waisted, cream colored gown with the encrusted- keyhole bodice and plunging neck line. I know some girls half her age ain’t never had bosom meats like that, 49 years old never looked MORE worthy of havin’ a stalker than right here…..right now…..
-Z’maji, “I wonder if Lawrence Fishburne shows up in the movie to beat her……..y’know, for old times sake?”
Louis Vuitton by Takashi Murakami – Superflat Monogram
This one is authentic!
Somebodies been hittin that Oooh Weee – laced with embalmin fluid – dipped in bleach. This is the most psychotic, horrifying and beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I know I’m about 5 years late on this one but I love anime and I’d sell myself & your whole family into slavery for some Louis Vuitton. This is true artistry here. This advertisement for LV by artist, Takashi Murakami, was created to launch the multicolore collection, which coincidently has been Vuitton’s most successful desgin to date. It’s the most copied bag EVER! If you don’t believe me turn around and look in your closet at that fake you got for $25 at the flea market. Murakami is a celebrated giant in the japanese pop-art world who raised much hell in 98′ with his life sized sculptures, ”My Lonesome Cowboy” and “Hiropon”, both pornographic takes on Japanese animated characters. Whatever! I want more….
Everyone knows that I loath Diddy and how he whores himself to the media, but I have to say that Danity Kane is awesome. Diddly BOP totally lucked out when he found these girls, I mean he really got lucky. I LURV all kinds of music from Pop, to Gospel, to eclectice soul and as far as Pop goes, this is as good as it gets. Honestly tho’, these girls can dance, sing and they look tasty like a box of wings from the Popeyes, YUMMERZ. ‘Destinys’ WHO? What ‘Child’? Tho “other” girl groups have left us high and dry, ”DK” has come to sooth the crack-like cravins’. Check out my sweeties gettin’ their sexy on in silver lame, thank ya Jesus for spandex………no big girls, that ain’t FOR you!
-Z’maji, “I know Britney’s somewhere pissed right about now”
Check out my girls givin’ pose and sweet butter pecan thigh meat:
Here we go peoples, a nice rundown of beauteous things to come from the upcoming Sex & The City movie this summer. I’m so excited about this film that everytime I think about it……I throw up a little bit, and I quit purging a long time ago *crickets*. We all knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the fashion in the movie was gonna be enough to enduce climax but SWEET MAGNIFICENT JESUS, I would never have imagined. So for those of you that feel like the wait is pushing you closer to insanity here’s your crack, you toothless crackwhore sycophants. Drool.
-Z’maji, “I hope Jennifer Hudson’ bosoms is exposed….”
* Z’maji wipes away a solitary tear with an iridescent hanky and downs a 4th of Gin*
Well my beauteous Fashnophiles, I heard it through the grapevine, and what sour grapes they are, that Heatherettes gone to that bedazzled resale shop in the sky. I guess it’s not enough to put on really kool shows with sexy models in sparkly duds and jetset around the world doin body shots off ‘Manda Lepore, It seems you actually have to move some product……..who knew? Of all things to take out Traver Rains & Richie Rich, BANKRUPTCY! I always thought it would be from a stampede at the tranny bar or bad Chai from Starbucks or a poisoned vile of glitter.
Well whatever the case they’ll be sorely missed becuz they were just a lot of fun. I know that they didn’t really have anything you could actually wear and they never had a completely cohesive line and whatever they did make was always bedraggled with glitter but they were fun. Good times……Good times. I wonder what they’ll do now? What if Traver became like a cashier at the local grocery, “price check on prune juice Bob, price check on prune juice”. Oooo, and Richie’s gonna become a priest……..well, let’s not get carried away.
Seriously tho’, if no one else does, Z’maji will miss you fellas
- Z’maji, “Well fellas, there’s always weilding a squeegee, washing windows on the intersection……….gotta pay the bills somehow”
Check out the recent Heatherette show from Fashion Week:
I love Erykah Badu and you should too. She’s got style that is unparalleled, she’s one of the most amazing artist in music history, she’s drop dead gorgeous AND SHE GOTs A BIG OLE’ BOOOOOTTTTYYYY! Check out her vid for her new single “Honey”. Creativity is no stranger to this soul child. Watch as she remakes some of the most memorable photos in music history like Nas’s Illmatic and the Rolling Stone cover with John Lennon and Yoko Ono. She is the greastest……..KNOW THIS!!!
-Z’maji, “Go get her CD or there WILL be consequences” *breaks out the JU-JU beads*
The goddess is on the cover of Trace magazine’s art issue channeling Angela Davis with Q-Tip. Don’t they look sexy-fine and scrumpziouz, even Tip’s man biddies look good. Also check out Dave Chapelle chillin wit’ my boo at her CD release party at Ghostbar in Dallas, ain’t she the cutest space traveler you ever seen. Erykah is definetely one of the people that abides by my #1 rule of personal style, “You alone must define your own style”. You never know what Miss Badu’s gonna come with next or which planet she just came down from, but who knows where her fashion sense comes from but it’s never dull. Go cop my sweeties new joint, “New Amerykah” or Jesus will kill a herd of chinchillas and make a coat for Paris Hilton.
