Sex & The City: …..And The Torture Continues

37 days til Carrie styles on them hoes in her 08 Monolos…..

888 hours til Samantha whores her way back into our hearts……

53,280 minutes til Miranda has another vajtastic voyage with Steve and bedraggles us with sarcasm…

3,196,800 seconds til Charlotte screws up her black market asian baby with good ole American parenting…….

 

………Soon we’ll be havin’ Sex!

Wardrobe Malfunction: Gossip Girls Wear Granny’s Curtains

Fooleries Past and Present

 What in the Scarlett O’Hara green drapery hail is goin on with this dress.  Fringe ain’t cute nor is it lawful in 49 states,  KILL HER JESUS – PLEASE KILL HER!  It is unacceptable to tear up your Granny’s curtains and wear them out in front of innocent, unsuspecting people………….

UNLESS, you’re a southern belle in Civil War America and your home has just been demolished by the Yankee army leaving you nothing but your dead mothers drapes with which you have your mammy design you a couture gown so that you can go into Atlanta to visit Rhett Butler and get cash funds to pay the taxes on TARA!  That is the only excuse, therefore madam, you are in violation and in need of a kick to the throat.  Leighton whats her face from Gossip Girl wore this to, of all places, the Metropolitan Opera House <GASP>.  She’s a lovely girl but who in hell left the gate open?  The bust line doesn’t even fit her iddy biddies, the waist line is bulky with the bottom of somebody’s Grandmama’s curtains & the fabric looks soooo cheap.  I guess she’s been to busy gossipin’ to notice that her gay best friend stylist is setting her up for failure.

-Z’maji, “….something nice?! Um, ok………..she don’t look as stank as I would have expected?”

A,B,C or D: Robert “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle

This mugshot of Vanilla Ice in 2001after being arrested for domestic abuse for snatching a plug of hair from his wife’s head makes him look like………

A) a cowardly HAS BEEN meth faced wife beater.

B) he stole a lace front from Beyonce’s wig crypt.  

C) a 911 case for the tanning salon. 

D) a good reason to have a makeup artist on hand when taking mugshotz.

 

Mugshot from recent domestic abuse altercation…….he ain’t learned:

Reality Shows Is HAUTE: Nina…..You’re OUT!!!

 

Auf Wiedersehen boo!

In the words of my fellow blogger and my armed robbery co conspirator, Slaus of OHN blog says: FAIL NINA, FAIL!!!

Poor Nina has gotten the boot in this recent dabacle over where Project Runway will make it’s home.  It’s this whole back and forth thing between Bravo TV and Lifetime, but I just have to say that the idea of watching Project Runway on Lifetime is as appealing as sharing needles with Paris Hilton……just sooo unsavorys’. 

-Z’maji, “Well at least you still got a job, Ms Editor In Chief…….yawl hirin’ ?”

HAUTE Goodies: Gwen Killin’ Yawl Girls With Product

It’s hard to believe that the fashion forward bombshell that is Gwen Steffani, used to be the Ska princess that wore dickies, red dollar store lipstick & pink ‘Gem’ like hair.  Now she’s a savvy ‘bidniss’ woman, mother and definitive music artist……..killin’ yawl girlz with product.  Watch out Marie Osmond, Mrs. Gavin Rossdale is comin’ for the doll industry next.  Check out Gwen’s line of dolls inspired by her music videos and her “Harajuku Lovers” fragrance figurines.  So cute and sure to be expensive.  Hope you gots’ a job or a wealthy husband or some food stamps!

-Z’maji, “I wonder where Gwen hid the bodies of her bandmates from No Doubt…..”

 

 

 

 

 

Sex & The City: Big Zexy and Fergs Featured On Movie Soundtrack

Platic Shock vs Juicy Jigglums

Why do the makers of the S&TC movie keep doling out information to us like common crack dealers.  It’s like they give you a little taste for free, just so you can come back later but then you’ll have to turn tricks for some more cuz you’ve already spent all your money, lost your job and sold your child to support your addiction……….so I’ve heard.  Anyway, Big Sexy and Fergs both will be featured on the soundtrack for the S&TC.  Fergs will sing, ‘Labels & Love’, which is the opening number and Big Zexy J. Hud will sang and I mean SANG! the Cee-Lo produced ballad, ‘All Dressed Up In Love’.  Only 44 days until we get some good ole’ SEX……….& The City!                    

Z’maji, “44 days, 6 hours, 25 minutes & 23 seconds…..and counting, c’mon Carrie!”

Periodicals Is HAUTE: Kate, A Motorbike & Exposed Boy-Chest

I don’t know what the cover says but my sweet Katey Moss graces the cover of the April issue of Vogue Paris and her boychest never looked more wonderful than now,  love that hungry, malnurished look.  Y’know, after the whole thing of being caught cuttin’ that illegal white,  her career and her shoots have been off the meter.  Crack is supposed to be whack, but…….I don’t know, it’s doin major thangs for Katey.  Have you noticed that the models are taking back the fashion magz, THANK SWEET & TANGY MOO-GOO-GAI-PAN JESUS!!!  Now hopefully we won’t continue to be subjected to Chloe Sevignumz’ and Cory Kennedy hoarding the newstands.  *Lifts Champagne glass*  Here’s to the models killin’ the 15 minute fame girl and burning the remains…..

-Z’maji, “I got the gasoline, who has the matches?!”

HAUTE Style: Straws Not Just For The Horses No-Mo’…

Hear ye, Hear ye, get yourself down to the local high-end department store and hold em’ hostage for a straw bag…………or just get a job and buy one, it you go for that sort of employment thing.  Mena Suvari(WHO?!) was caught on somebodies red carpet with a faberluss oversized Valentino Nuage straw bag, which I’m sure she had to return at the end of the night…….friggin’ D*listers.  How cruel to subject that poor bag to be on the arm of what’s her name.  Oh well,  hopefully some of you girls and I’m sure a few of you guys will go out and give some beauteous accessory a nice home.  Time to max out that credit card or get some jackass to max out his……..whichever one makes you sleep easier at night.

-Z’maji, “All you need now is a grass skirt and a coconut bra”

 

Get Some Fiber In Your Wardrobe:

Valentino Nuage straw woven armbag

 

Bleecker Straw Clutch by Coach

 

Francesco Biasia-Glenda Tote in White Straw & Croc Stamp 

 

Michael Kors Large Santorini Straw Shopper 

 

HAUTE Tunez: Random YouTube Blessings From Whyte Jesus

Private – We’ve Got Some Breaking Up To Do

Private, is an electro-pop band that is my new obsession.  Not in a creepy stalker kinda way but in a creepy ‘I’m waiting outside the window with a hatchet so I can kill you cuz I love you so much’ kinda way………..that’s not bad, right?

They remind me of late 80’s/early 90’s Pop-R&B.  Think ’System – Don’t Disturb This Groove’.  So very goodt’ to me. 

-Z’maji, “Oh how I miss the 90’s”

PETA Sux: Dita Makes A Funny & PETA Still Sux Ballz

Oooo, look at Burlesque vixen Dita Von Teese’s ad for PETA, don’t you want to bite her cleavage situations. Tee Hee, fur haters are so sexually frustrated. It amazed me when I found out that they were actually runnin’ around dousing fur wearers with red paint. I think fur is gawdy and unnescessary, but if I’m rockin’ a fur jacket and some loser with a bucket of red paint does a run-bye on me you betta believe that there will be no more posts from Z’maji cuz me and my delicate skin is goin to prison(LAWD they’d pass me around like cigarettes), ain’t nobody bout to mess up my dead carcass. I don’t care if the Chinchilla’s decomposed skull is still visibly attatched, you better keep it movin’ cuz I’ll let you live but I will not be leaving you the use of your limbs. I love animals too but I loathe the very existence of PETA. It’s your right to wear fur, but it should be done in extreme moderation. Now if you’re stylin’ the full length fur coats, the 80’s LAPD called and you’re under arrest for theiving it from 2 decades ago *squints*.

-Z’maji, “PETA……you’ll be recieving a ticking envelope from me in about 2 days….open immediately”

Check out the PETA protesters getting jacked up at the Cavalli show:

Fooleries is HAUTE: ‘Know’ Sarah Jessica In A Biblical Way

Oooo sweet Cosmopolitan with a lemon twist flavored Jesus,  this is sooooo wrong.  This is wronger(not a real word) than Aretha Franklin in thong underwear and fishnets.  Fashion Icon and “Worlds Most Un-Sexy Woman” Sarah Jessica Parker, has been immortalized in cheap plastic as a blow up doll lovingly named, ‘Sarah Jessica Porkher’.  I don’t know what’s worse,  the fact that they made it or that the box says she has ‘3 fabulous love holes’………*squints & loads gun*.  Somebody’s surely gonna be gang raped in fashion hell for this one!

Z’maji, “I smell lawsuits and STD’s”

A,B,C or D?: Kate Hudson “Tragedy Strikes The Closet”

Kate Hudson in a scene from her upcoming film “Bride Wars” looks like…….

A) a cheap hooker hoe trollop, flagging down clientelle.

B) the 80’s had bulemia and purged itself all over her.

C) a disgrace to her momma. (love you Goldie)

D) the perfect candidate for electro-shock therapy.

*of course I’m being mean for the just for the taste of it,  this is from the set of an upcoming film, Love Gol-………….Kate,  I meant Kate*

HAUTE Models: Gabe Makes Martha & MiMi Moist

 Macy’s – Gabriel Aubry, Mariah & Martha Stewart

 

 Top model and Halle Berry’s sperm donor/baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, is in a high-frikkin-larious new ad for Macy’s.  He has recently become the new face for Calvin Klein and what a face…….if you like that sort of ruggedly handsome, golden boy look *bitter much?*.  Check out Martha Stewart checkin out his rump and MiMi gettin’ all flustered when ole boy comes strollin’ through the Macy’s lobby leaving a barrage of horny female sales reps quivering in his wake.  You aught not to make the womens fell all creamy like that you cruel, cruel man.  So he’s a successful model with legions of women that want to be his best “friend” and he’s bumpin’ uglies with Halle Berry?  You MUST have sold your soul to the Devil, nobody’s that lucky! 

-Z’maji, “Watch out Gabe, MiMi will eat your face & lay eggs in your dead carcass…….God I love her”

P.S. Check out Gabe with his baby Momma :

Tastier than a plate of interracial neck bones, yummiez

 

HAUTE Models: Holly Wins…..If Only She Was Mute

…….or maybe if I was deaf.  Holly Kiser, the newbie from Appalachia, beat out 13 other hopefuls for the crown of the Bravo TV sensation, ”Make Me A SuperModel”.  I think she is an amazing model and that she has such a promising future in fashion, but thank sweet nougaty centered Jesus Almighty that she’s not a publc speaker.  It’s like Forest Gump was reincarnated as a leggy brunnette, God forbid if she secures a speaking endorsement, that company would go belly up quicker than a hooker turnin’ 2 for 1 tricks in Vegas.  I must say that I’m not suprised about her win tho’.  Out of all of the models in this competition, she showed real potential and not just in an “I’ve got a pretty face and someone told me I should be a model, so I quit my job to do this but I really shouldn’t have cuz they just told me that to set me up for failure” way but REAL potential.  Her photos were heavenly but her runway was simply a dream and I mean that in the most pretentious way possible.  I just hope that “Elite Model Management”, the agency with whom she’s won a contract,  actually gets her work & puts her out there and that she’s not screwed like a well to do suburban white girl on holiday in Bermuda……mm-hmm. 

-Z’maji, “I’ll see ya in the unemployment line Boo!”