Sex & The City: ‘Sex’ Overload!……Moist’cha!

I have a serious problem.  I love Vogue so much that sometimes in private I pledge my undying loyalty and 1st born spawn to Anna Wintour(Editor In Chief/inspiration for “Devil Wears Prada”),  but then I hate it for being a money hungry, multi-tasking whore with more ads than articles and I want to blow up the head quarters with Anna Wintour tied to her desk………of course I’m just joking…….right?  Anyway,  this is one of the times that I love Winny becuz she has indulged my fantasy with the current issue featuring Carrie and Mr. Big in a layout called, “Rebel Romance”,  yummiez!  It’s a beautiful feast of P.D.A. all over the magical city of New York with the promise of fashionable exhibitionism.  My, my, my it’s only 10 days until the film hits the theatres and I make my local movie house my temporary residence for a week or two.  God willing that the theatre employees don’t realize it and have me arressted and escorted from the premises.  I just hope they don’t end the film with some sort of self sacrifice or unhappy ending like in ‘Thelma and Louise’……….*sob* I still watch that movie wondering if their car will jump to the other side of the canyon…..maybe one day it will, maybe one day it will…………

- Z’maji, “Thanx for the memories Winny……I’ll consider not despising you no more”

 

THE CITY MAKES THREE

Silk evening gown and gloves with Christian Louboutin pumps (SJP) Tom Ford coat, Hugo Boss shirt and Valentino pants (Chris Noth)

PLUSH CITY STREETS

Chanel bloucle suit, Lanvin hat, Balenciaga pumps (SJP),   Valentino ensemble (Chris Noth)

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Nina Ricci silk/satin dress, Balenciaga shoes (SJP),  Tom Ford vest, Valentino shirt & shoes (Chris Noth)

BEST IN SECRET

Peacock lace/tulle dress,  Chanel shoes (SJP)

MORE THAN WORDS

Cross-back banded dress by Narcisco Rodriguez

SHOWTIME CARRIE!

Plum colored Marchesa satin organza dress,  Louboutin pumps

JUST THE TWO OF US

Chiffon Versace dress and Monolos (SJP),  Tom Ford suit, Brooks Brothers shirt (Chris Noth)

TAKE ME HIGHER

Dolce & Gabbana chiffon evening gown (SJP)

 

Haute Tunez: Rihanna & Adam Levine Make Sweet Interracial Innuendos

Maroon 5 feat. Rihanna – If I Never See Your Face Again

1st of all I don’t really listen to Rihanna or Maroon 5 even tho I can enjoy them every now and then.  I’m just not that big of a fan of either,  not like I hate them or anything,  they just ain’t jammin’ in my I-Pod, Zune, Imeem playlist or myspace personal page.  However, in light of this new video, my faith in the shear D’Lushuness of ‘Innarracial’ lovin is reinforced and turned into voyeuristic religion.  How friggin HOT to see Adam Levine and Rihanna in close, inappropriate, and dangerous proximities to each other……..THANK YA SWEET JESUS.  No room for personal boundries or full lung breathing just good ol’ sexual tension.  On top of that both are dressed to a ‘T’ with Adam in his finely fitted suits,  rockin that smoldering European scruffy gentleman look.  Of course Rihanna brought along her best accessories,  ‘DEM LEGS,  draped in burlesque chic and a lucky tutu.  Be careful Adam,  RiRi is a heartbreaker…….after all she did issue a restraing order against me after waking up to me videotaping her asleep.  Ungrateful little wanch!

 - Z’maji, “More songs like this I might add yawl to my myspace”

 

Periodicals Is HAUTE: The ‘Boy Next Door’ Stole My Sang’which

 

………and didn’t even say “thank you!” – that’s not the Christian way?!  Shia LeBeouf, who is quickly becoming a ‘Man Of Style’,  brightens up the cover of GQ June 08′.  The golden boy is about to be immortalized in the much anticipated “Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”………I could throw up right now from the geeky excitement rising within my man-bosom.  Check him out rockin’ the two piece with the ’Marlboro Man’ scruff and the bedroom eye-ded swagger.  That’s a good look!  I still wish that rumor about him and Rihanna was true,  Interracial lovin’ is HOOOOOOTTTT!  I can’t wait for this movie……..Now check out Shia below eatin’ my sang’which, Thief!

 - Z’maji,  “I’m one Sci-Fi convention, dressed as Capt Kirk, away from never getting a girl again!”

 

Get HAUTE: ‘Licia Keys Chillaxin In Style

Don’t you get tired of suckin’ in all the times?!  Sometimes you just want to be comfy & cozy and let your tummy fat breath, free of the confines of a girdle without reverting back to the days of Moo-Moos and Run Over House Shoes (sweet tasty lamb of God don’t let it happen!). 

You don’t always have to be swaddled in couture, teetering on stillettos that make your toes scream to God for mercy and vindication.  Instead take a note from the ‘Licia Keys book of style.  When wearing casual or athletic wear,  you can easily spruce up your ensemble with a few strategically placed accessories such as big decorative earrings and delicate chains & bracelets.  Even a scarf in a complementing color, draped gingerly about the neck or worn as a headwrap like ’Licia here,  can make you pop even in extreme comfort.   Put away the ‘Do Me, Nose-Bleed Pumps’ every now ’n’ then and chillax with your kool still in tact.

-Z’maji, “You should still be willing to kill your feet for fashion….just give em’ a break somtimes”

 

 

GET COMFY LIKE ‘LICIA:

Comfy velour from Victoria Secret

 

 

MATSUDA Jacquard scarf (YOOX.com)

 

 

Jimmy Choo ‘Jerry’ Shades

 

 

 Gold Hoop Earrings (Forever 21)

 

 

 

Flower Charm Chain (Forever 21)

 

 

 

 

Rosary Necklace (Forever 21)

 

 

Speeder Metallic Puma’s

 

 

 

 Silk Jersey Aztec Printed Scarf by Diane Von Furstenberg (matchesfashion.com)

Oversize Tortoiseshells by  Diane Von Furstenberg (matchesfashion.com) 

 

 

 

 Vintage Owl/Heart Pendant (Forever 21)

 

 

Paige Double Cross Ballerina Flat (Dune.co.uk)

 

Dapper Dandy: Dark, Brooding & Employed

 

So fresh, so clean, still on the payroll.  Milo Ventimiglia is representing for the dark mysterious ones at the NBC/Universal event promoting the upcoming season for Heroes, which I’m obsessively pining for like the Sex & The City movie.  That’s a good look even if he does look like he’ll kill you if you try to leave him…….beware Hayden Panettierre…….Oooo, that rhymes!

-Z’maji, “C’mon dude, Smile!”

HAUTE!!!: The MET Gala Is Here!…….Anna Wintour Be Praised!

The Costume Institue’s annual Benefit Gala is an auspicious ocassion that celebrates the beauty and majesty of designers on the forefront of fashion……………..in other words it’s an opportunity for stars to get together and worship Anna Wintour in the hopes that she won’t eat their 1st born.  The highlight of course is the red carpet seeing that this is the most prestigious night in fashion.  Therefore fashnophiles,  it is my pleasure to praise those with a great stylist and RIP NEW BODY CAVITIES for those void of brain activity, that would dare to show up in trash!  Let us proceed:

 

Sweet Lil Camilla Belle in aquamarine Armani Prive…..Oh, pinch her cheeks and slap her toosh and hump her leg.

 

Thandie Newton in Chanel, lookin’ like she’ll slash your tires and steal your man, steal me Thandie baby!

 

Naomi Watts homage to screen sirens in Thierry Mugler……..awkwaaarrdd!

 

Katem’s in Armani, AGAIN! I actually like it, Scientology do a body good.

 

Christina Ricci in haute couture from Givenchy by Ricardo Tisci with that emaciated look that’s so hot right now.

 

My Jenny from the Corner rockin’ that post baby body in Alberta Ferretti.  Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, these 50 carat earrings and carat cuffs from Loraine Swartz cost more than your govenment housing…..

 

Rock princess Liv Tyler in Calvin Klein…..now that’s publicity you can’t pay for Calvin.

Gown by Calvin Klein, Sergio Rossi heels, David Webb jewels, Eva Mendes….flawless and jiggly fine.

 

American Sweethearts George and Julia in Armani accompanied by the crispy namesake himself.

 

I have no idea what Johnny is wearing, but that boy is casket-sharp and ready to meet Jesus

 

Speaking of biblical figures,  Kate Bosworth(in Chanel Couture/Pierre Hardy shoes) and Karl Lagerfeld channel The Harlot of Babylon and Satan, Prince of Darkness

 

Blake Lively is soooo uptown in Ralph Lauren and Harry Winston jewels.  She looks mah’valous……..God forbid that I might actually have to start watching Gossip Girl!

 

Manhattan princess Ivanka Trump in J. Mendel and I still can’t believe that something that looks like The Donald leaked out something this HOT!

 

David and Stick-Figure Spice looking so D’Lushus in Armani, of course, but even if they showed up in fish-fillet McSandwhich wrappers they’d still look HOT & ZEXY!

 

Sarah Michelle looking bored in Calvin Klein, “Can Me Has A Vampire To Slay Now?”

 

My S&TC sweetie Kristin Davis doin Michael Kors justice.  See ya on May 30th mama, then we shall ‘has’ the sex!

 

Don’t know who Venus is wearing, but I DO know she looks gooder than a McRib with extra grease

 

WAMP! Don’t Care!

Janet, Miss Jackson if ya nasty in a white plunging crossback from Atelier Versace

 

Zac Posen ‘doin da fool’ in what I’m sure is his own design.  At least he knows how to accessorize, Nothings cuter than a hot chick on your arm draped in couture.

Donatella Versace and her spawn, draped in faberlouz couture, dazed-confused-and hungrier than 3rd world orphans.

 

Michelle Trachtenberg’s vintage was kind of a good idea not really…….understand? Me neither.

 

I love Fergs in this Calvin Klein but her face would frighten the arizen dead

 

Joy Bryant’s plea for attention……

 

Mrs. Tony Parker lookin’ yummy in Marchesa.  Married Relations do wonders for the complextion……..and the bank account.

 

Giselle and Tommy in Versace…..all’s right in the world.

 

Beyonce’s ba-dunk-a-doo draped in Armani………Oh another chick in Armani, WoW, isn’t that different, cuz nobody else is wearing Armani….

 

What in malnourished, 3rd world hunger, Lord of the Rings hobbit face-ded, cracked out child star hail is goin’ on with the Trolsens desecrating Diane von Furstenberg gowns.  Diane’s gonna be pissed in the morning….

 

A former child star sans extra curricular drugs.  Hilary in Elie Saab and emerald/diamond jewels from Lorraine Schwartz

 

Haute Tunez: Shoot Em’, Slash Em’, Kill Em’

Santogold – L.E.S. Artistes

 

I’m not really sure what this video is about but I love crazy and kooky fooleries.  However, after watching the clip,  I’m contemplating reporting her to the proper authorities…..homicide is not fashionable!

 - Z’maji, “Keep her away from the horsies!”

Questionable?: Mmmmm, Placenta….

That old saying really does ring true………The Japanese Are Crazier Than A Soup Sang’which!  If you enjoy the taste of fetus and baby poo, Q-Bit, has made a line of products just for you.  Drinks, pills, jellies and face masks all with purified placenta for your pleasant consumption.  How exciting the opportunity to smear fetal excrement’s on your face.  I know that when you think of having a refreshin’ drink on a warm afternoon the 1st thing that comes to your mind is iced tea with a twist of placenta,  Yummiez,  love them dead babies.

Z’maji, “It’s really pig placenta, disgusting, but not human……………but still the work of Satan” 

 

 

 

HAUTE Models: Agyness Is Still That Chick!

Look at Agyness rockin’ those pristine white Balenicaga gladiator heels for UK Vogue.  They didn’t use her in an editorial this time but does it really matter?!  Look at that cover!  She’s still m’favorite and slicker than your average.  Do it Mamma…………and close your legs, what will Mum think?

Haute Style: Gwyneth Be Stylin’ On Yawl Girlz!

 

Through the years, I have been known to call Gwyneth Paltrow everthing under the sun from ‘malanin deficient bean pole’ to ’bulemic boy chested trollop’ to ‘talentless slope headed bonebag’………but I digress.  I’ve also been known to be hasty in forming my opinion of people in the past but sweet magnificent Jesus is working on me.  Whatever the case I must admit my new found fascination with Gwyny P.  Since she’s put herself back on the scene she’s been really living up to her “fashion icon” title.  Just in the past few weeks she’s been promoting her return to the screen in Iron Man and BOY has she been workin’ it out, looking like she’s never had a screaming human larva come tearing out of her lower half, child birth ain’t nothin nice.  Gwyny, I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID AND SWEAR MY TOTAL DEVOTION TO YOU AND THOSE LEGS, MYYYYY GAWWWWDDD!  That’s what an Oscar winner looks like! 

 - Z’maji, “Hot Legs………..the best accessory known to man!”

Yes Ma’am……not even KFC has leg that good! 

 

 

Haute ‘N’ Random: Ladies & Gentlemen………Johnnifer!

 Jen: Oh My GOD John,  for the last time size doesn’t matter                                 

 John: I just wanna know, It’s a simple question……was Brad bigger than me?

 

Jen: No, ALRIGHT, NO…….you are the king, the greatest, no other man can compare okay! Are you happy now!?  Sheesh, can I finish tanning now?         

John: That’s all I wanted to hear……….just a lil validation.

[picture source]

You heard of Bennifer and Brangelina,  Beyonjay and Sted’Prah……….well it’s my pleasure to present to you Johnnifer!  Please hold your gagging and projectile vomit till the end of the post.  Now I’m not one to give a yank about celeb gossip,  but this is sooooo hot to see them together…..they’re just sexy McGoodness.  Also John Mayer is one of the most amazing musicians in entertainment…………I wonder if he’s fornicating her yet?  Oh GAWD,  let there be an unauthorized DVD, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian were such disappointments……………….and there sex tapes were bad too! (rimshot)\

 - Z’maji, “NEXT?!……………Nick’ariah!”

Fooleries Is Haute: Tender Virginal Flesh Bits

I know that this is sooooo overexposed right now, but this whole thing with Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair and her exposed back sections is silly.  I mean I understand there being SOME concern,  but people are starting to question if Billy Ray Cyrus is a good father.  Speaking of Disney Channel virgins acting inappropriately in front of flash photography,  this isn’t even as bad as when Vanessa Hudgens exposed her unkempt bush to the nations with those pictures that were “accidently” leaked to the ‘innanetz’.  That was totally a publicity stunt and a desperate plea for a Brazilian wax.  Miley however just made a questionable decision.  I mean this is 2008, there’s all kinds of perverts and lurkin’ 40 year old virgins to be allowing your daughter to whore expose herself to the media.  As for me, sweet lemon merengue flavored Jesus knows that “Achey Breaky Heart” would be a number one hit again before I would let my own daughter expose even her elbow.

 - Z’maji, “What we really need to be discussing is the ribs poking out her back!”