HAUTE Style: Dita Is Such A Tease!

 Dita: Oh Sweetie, I didn’t say that you could actually speak to me…….oh bless your heart….

 

 

Mm-hmm,  I’ll take a side of that with biskitz and gravies,  xtra cheeze pleeze!  Miss Dita came out to give face and reinforce low self-esteem in women everywhere for the launch of her line of lingerie for the WonderBra company.  She was all a glow in old Hollywood glamour with complementing sumpshusness. She’s like yummy dipped in yummy covered in d’lishus sprinkled with yummiez and drizzled with alabaster torture!  Don’t you just want to gobble her up?  I just want to spread her on a soda cracker and snort her like blow!  Oh My GAAAAHHD!  I guess makin’ sloppy dirtiez with Marilyn Manson does a body better than milk………….course you’ll burn in hell but you’ll look like Dita!

-Z’maji, “When Satan claims Marilyn’s dirty soul,  I got dibs on Dita!” 

 

Here’s the commercial,  try not to drool on my blog,  it’s unrefined:

[Look Ma!  I steal'd it @ DListed]

The HAUTE’s & the naute’s: Emmy’s 08′

Thick and Rich,  Mrs.  Butterworth ain’t ready!

Personally beloved,  I woulda had more fun counting the stretch marks on my Aunt Oona’s back fat………y’know,  Aunt Oona…….Aunt Oona from Al Toona.  Anywhatsits,  we don’t really watch award shows to see who wins,  we wanna know who’s wearing what and how much bacon grease & chicken fat it took to stuff them into it.  Every woman on the carpet should get an Emmy for acting charming and glamorous while sucking in.  There should be an Emmy for “Best Gut Hold in a Perilously Tight Low Cut Rag” or “Best Colon Squeeze in a Cocktail Napkin”.  Poor girls,  smashin’ your liver all into your kidneys,  can’t breath,  lungs all crammed together,  reproductive organs cuttin’ off circulation to your bowels………and for what,  a perfect papp picture which they will only pick apart becuz you look a weary, underfed mess.  Better chill and let that belly hang tho’,  too much pressure on the innards could pop an ovary and dislodge a stray flatulent that would certainly ruin your Emmy night and deflate Ryan Seacrest hair.

This Years Trends:

Asymmetrical Shapes

 

Mariska Hargitay – Carolin Herrera/Jennifer Morrison - Marchessa /Christina Applegate – Reem Acra

Bold Brilliant Black

Debra Messing – Monique Lhuillier/Sandra Oh – Oscar De La Renta/Hayden Panettiere – Badgley Mischka/Tina Fey – David Meister/America Ferrera – Werle/Kate Walsh – Zuhair Murad

Jewel Tones

Mary Louise Parker – Roberto Cavalli/Brooke Shields – Badgley Mischka/ Nicolette Sheridan – Angel Sanchez

Shimmer & Shine

Fellicity Huffman - Reem Acra/Heidi Klum – Armani Prive/Evangeline Lilly – Elie Saab Haute Couture

 

 

Other HAUTE’s:

Vanessa Williams – Kevan Hall

 

Olivia Wilde – Reem Acra

Kyra Sedgewick – L’Wren Scott

 

the naute’s:

 

Dazed and Confused after a week of lemonade and chilli powder.  If you look in her eyes you can see the hunger demon leanin’ on a peptic ulcer, screamin’ for a bizkits and 4 piece from Nay-Nays shack of Chicken,  Gizzards & Notaries!

 

Sweet Phoebe’s quest for a yeast infection, beggin’ to be set on fire……………….WITH.ALL.THAT.POLYESTER.ON.

 

NOT ALLYSSA MILANO!  Attention depraved Christina De La Rosa in tampon couture.  What the bloody, raggedy-rag is really goin’ on?  M’love,  tampons do not a party gown make!  Slay your stylist please!

Z’maji, “Where’s a match and a can of animal blood when you need it!?”

HAUTE Tunez: M.I.A. Be Slangin That Sang’Which Meat

Paper Planes – M.I.A.

 

M.I.A. got me lookin’ SO crazy right now what with her bollywood, hip-hop girl style and her innovative spaced out, reffer madness sounds.  And who knew that Miss M.I.A.  was multitalented,  an M.C. AND a soul food stand operator,  Sang’wich anyone?  She also got that, ”cute as a button, kinda sort of bathed 2 weeks ago, but not really cuz I been higher than gasoline, but it’s okay cuz I gotz Febreeze” look that’s so in right now.  This new song of hers is so goodt’ to me that when I heard it on the radio I had to pull over and get my dutty whine on,  of course then a cop pulled over and asked me why I was gettin’ inappropriate with my automobile.   Well the song just made me feel so sexi on the inside part,  I had to work it out. 

Z’maji, “And you know what else,  her album is HAUTE too!  Jesus just be workin’ it out”

Hauteness Round These Inna’netz

 

The O.H.N. explores stroke related orgasm and other playground appropriate topics – OHellNawl

Giorgio Armani makes a dookie on PETA – FashionINDIE

Malnourished stick figure twins killin yawl with product - HauteMiMi

Big Zexy (J. Hud) and Tasia Mae’Olla (Fantasia) fightin to be Bus’it Baby #1 - Necole B***hie

Jessica Simpson gots tha winds somethin’ horrible – DListed

Krissi’s lacey underthangs, for that pure, chaste, man-eating Morman girl – Kristopher Dukes

Fashion Week is soooo much better from sweet Susie’s point of view – StyleBubble

HAUTE Goodiez: O.D.M. Timepieces – Soooo Perty!

You won’t really be able to tell time on a few of the pieces, but this is about looking good not being on time.  If you’ve taken care of your bidniss, and stepped on the right people put your affairs in order, you should be important enough to not have to know the time becuz them other people will wait for YOU! 

http://www.odm-design.com./

 

 

 

 

 

Best & Worst: People Magazine’s Anneurism

 

……and baby, it’s not just official,  they lil list is certifiable.  I’m not tryin to come for nobody but who in the blind, bloody eye-ded hail is making the list over there at People?  Rabid diabetic swamp monkeys have better judgement.  Ridin coach on that train to Never Evah land is Ms. Kate Hudson.  I’m kinda sad about my boo-boo Fergalicious Un’Delicious being on it too, but I think it’s just her botoxed mug and tiny forehead square footage.  Even tho these two choices are the only two that I disagree with, they are two people who I’m always afraid to see on the red carpet becuz I’m always sure that I’ll be impressed to gouged out my eyes till brain matter pours forth……..Drama much!?

However I can officially make my peace with the list becuz my obsession and sole reason for living Cougar Crush,  Mrs. Michelle “butta brown” LaVaughn Robinson-Obama,  rounds out the Best dressed list, she so almondy.  Soooooo, since they got this one soooo right,  I guess I can withhold the hellfire & brimstone and good ol’ kuntry butt-whoopin’ from raining down on these pitiful souls………for now, MU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-*COUGH-WHEEZE-HACK-AH-HAGH*

And clearly, Captain Obvious, decided the Worst Dressed list:

-Z’maji, “I commit that if’n ever People names Cindy McCain as best dressed,  Sweet Tasty Lamb of God is my witness,  I’ll be endin a few lives”

Killin Yawl Girlz Wit Product: DSquared Chillaxin In Style

DSquared is killin yawl girls with pose and sophistication.  I personally have been lusting after a wardrobe full of their wares but whenever I’ve tried to buy any my credit card told me to go kill myself in the face.  Ho-hum,  I guess I’ll just have to do it like classy people and get me a suga mammi with a platinum card & a generous disposition.  Or I could live like an animal and get a regular job like everyday people *shudder*.

 

[peeped at FashionIndie]

HAUTE Tunez: Vintage: Glam Rock’s Humble Bedazzled Beginnings

Roxy Music – LadyTron

Roxy Music was on the forefront of the Glam Rock movement, which was of course gently introduced to us by The Thin Man, aka: The Man That Fell To Earth, bka: Ziggy Stardust, Mister David Bowie.  Of course, when I say gently introduced, I really mean forced on us like a prison yard gang bangin’ bedraggled in glitters sung in sequined perfect harmony.  I believe this particular song inspired the band of the same name to adopt the name as their moniker.  I wish I was the lead singer of a Glam Rock band.  We’d be called The Sparkly Suicidal McCockadoodles!  That’s classy……like silver lame butt-less chaps.  Jesus will be pleased.

-Z’maji, “Check out them out fits,  what cha’ll know about those sequined animal prints,  PETA BE DAMNED TO HELL ON A POLAR BEAR CARCASS!”

Wardrobe Malfunction: The Man Skirt Is Here…….

              

                 

 …….And Jesus is sooooo angry!             

                                 

                                                       

Me and my homeez at Fashion Indie talk about Marc Jacobs like he’s the plague or the bastard spawn mommy didn’t want, tried the get rid of, but the stupid abortion wouldn’t take! BURRRNN!!!  Well,  we were recently slammed by that girl we hate at that magazine we love for being mean spirited and obese,  I’ll try to have some tact about this new piece that Marc’ie is wearin’,  which is going to be included in his men’s line.  All I have to say is:

 

DO.NOT.WANT.FAIL.

WHAT IN THE VEIN SLAPPIN, SCOTSMAN OFFENDING, MAN SKIRTED, 1970’s PIMPto BISMOL, CRUSHED VELVETEEN RABBIT WORLD IS GOIN ON!

Mmmmm-kaaaaay?!

 

I’m not trippin’ over fellas wearin kilt’s but we are not the Scot’s and I refuse to believe that the burly men of Scottish heritage would be ’settin’ round the pub, watchin’ rugby and knockin back ale in purple crushed velvet kilts and gladiator sandals!  I know good and well Marc’ie don’t expect us to get our skirt on?!  I’ll be wearing a burlap thong and manties made of barbed wire before I’m caught dead lettin’ you girls have a peek up my man-skirt to see my groceries!

 

-Z’maji, “Get cha mind right, cuz I know yawl are imagining me in this skirt, standing over a vent, givin’ yawl Marilyn Monroe………Stop It!”