Hello Kitty: Can’t Stop Won’t Stop!

Hello Kitty is more than an entrepreneur,  she’s a bitter Nazi like dictator bent on world domination *meow*.  That thang is spreadin’ like a burnin’ venereal disease amongst the children at Spring Break in Cancun,  with no sign of remission.  I thought I had seen it all when I saw those Asian terrorists with Hello Kitty Rifles,  I was so done you coulda served me as dinner at Oprah’s with mama bizkitz and taterz.  However,  not to be deterred,  Ms. Kitty forges on with a fresh cosmetics line through M.A.C. or as many of you reprobates call them God!  What will HK do next?  Maybe Hello Kitty Colostomy bags?  A Hello Kitty wooden prosthetic leg with a hungry termite in it and the termite is wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt & beret?  No?

 

For those of you who thought I was kidding and would dare to question my authoritaaaar!  See God’s beloved weildin’ said object below:

 

Blessed Be Coco

 

You betta pose you d’lushuz piece of woman cakez!

Here’s Coco Rocha in Spanish Vogue(I would’ve said Vogue Espana but I can’t figure out how to put the ~ over the ‘n’ *shamed*).  A few years ago,  Vogue did a issue called “The Worlds Next Top Model”, which featured 10 fresh faces including Chanel Iman, Agyness Deyn and sweet Coco.  Even though all the girls looked in serious need of cornbread and donut’n'pork sausage sang’whiches,  I saw heaven in Coco’s food deprived eyes.   From that moment on,  I knew I’d love her till the 12th of never when Karl LagerfeldSatan brought back bowler hats and Doc Martins.  In all honesty,  that’s true,  she totally killed that issue like none of the other girls could.  Clearly they were too hungry to give face ovahness and pose silly down like sweet Coco.  Now be silent and worship.  If you’re good she’ll frown for you and make your life of value,  insolent dogs. 

 - Z’maji, “Oh Coco,  I’ve just promoted your career  and you didn’t even have to promise me your 1st born”

HAUTE Tunez: Christina Milian Made Me Swallow My Gum

Christina Milian – Us Against The World

(WARNING: May Cause Sexual Arousalmentation………ness)

Back in the day Christina Milian had a song called, “Get Away“ and I fell head over heels in stalk love, even when she started makin sexi timez with Nick Cannon *jealous*.  Everyone has their flaws,  maybe at the time she had low self-esteem or a brain aneurysm or a yeasty infection that was affecting her ability to make responsible life choices?  Whatever the case, she was and still is a vision of ‘thank ya jesus’.   Her new song “Us Against The World”is refreshing but the daring leotards are like pure adrenaline.  I know my pulse was racing – wait,  maybe that was for another reason, down boy*woof*.  Anyway,  congratulationings to sensational model Nick Dese who plays Christina’s mysterious desert lover mayne.  Unfortunately,  they ended the scene before we got to see some butta brown relations but I’d like to believe he rocked her wig……….in the biblical sense of course.  I really hope he wifes her and lives off the residue.

-Z’maji,  “  *watches video for the 30th time,sigh*  ”

HAUTE’N'Random: Dope Boy Lagerfeld

Oh NO!  The projects ain’t safe no more,  not with Lagerfeld hustlin’ these mean streetz.  Don’t you just know he has an illegal concealed weapon, narcotics & barbiturates under his clothing………..after all he is Beelzebub, Oh Mighty Prince of Darkness!  Fresh!

Photoshop Me Til I’m Cute: Fergie and M.A.C. Have Some ‘Splainin’ To Do.

Fergie for M.A.C. Viva Glam

 

I love Fergadocious just like the next person that doesn’t hate her and wish her dead but THIS ain’t her.  Please, understand me,  I’m all for airbrushing out bullet wounds and cellulitus meatz and the stretch marks of low self esteem,  but when I have to do an investigation into who in the photoChoped, pixelated hail you are,  we’ve overdone it just a wee taste.  There ain’t enough workin out of the fitness in the world that would merit these foolishnesses before us. 

Well…………..whoever this young lady is,  she’s lovely and showgirl plumage is so in this season,  git it mommi!

 

Z’maji,  “Maybe I’m wrong.  Does married life stretch the face and tiddy bosomz to perfection?”

PETA Sux: SeaKittens?! Well I’m Sure They’ll Taste Good With Tartar Sauce Too!

 

PETA won’t be happy till we’re wearing human skin parkas and eating burgers made out of everyday peoplez.  Those tree molestin’ loons continued they’re push toward a certified assault to the face and vital organs from yours truly with their latest whoring for attention being on food, which of course is 1 of my favorite past-times.  I’ve tollerated the foolishness about the fur *zones out, gurgles, ”Fur is murder,  faaaaaabulous murder”* but when you start messin with my Fillet-a-fish (if that’s what it really is) from McDumpys and baby fish eggs on crisp soda crackers well that’s just Un-American,  Un-American indeed! 

They’ve dubbed fish: ’sea kittens’…………….no really,  ’sea kittens’!  

Honestly,  I’m not really bothered.  If they call them ’sea kittens’,  that’s just a cute name I can think of as I inhale a plate of ‘em with tater fries and fixins.  Being a black southern gentleman, from sturdy, cholesterol rich country people,  I’ve eaten my weight in catfish many times over.  So I just need PETA to know that if they try to mess with my tasty’n'fried, fatnin ’sea kittens’,  lives will be lost…………..no seriously I’ll claw their eyes out, I mean it. 

Z’maji,  “Here kitty, kitty, kitty…………Z’maji wants to give you a nice warm corn meal and hot grease bath”

HAUTE Adz: Vickie B’s Turn

 

Oh my’lanta,  I guess one Beckham servin’ up the monkey fixins and sexy cakez wasn’t enough.  It’s amazing that Victoria Beckham doesn’t do a thing in life but show up on red carpets and pose for ads and get paid millions,  I ain’t mad or nothin’,  I just wish she’d return my call about that little $3,000,000 payday loan I asked her about when she woke up and I was standing over her bed watching her sleep.  I said I’d pay it back dang!  People get a lil husband with some money and position in the world and they act like they can’t let you hold a lil sumthin. 

Honestly,  I think this is all a plot for Armani to be able to have portraits of the Beckhams in compromising positions *woof* hanging in his private bathroom at the castle for “personal” sexy time(it gets lonely at the top ya’ll)…………or maybe that’s just what I’d do…………..don’t judge me.

Z’maji, “Can you believe she still ain’t got back 2 me about that 3 mill?”

Shoe Game: I’m Sorry, Shin Hi Whats?

 

 

It’s Converse Shin Hi Boots and I’m not sure if I’m inflamed with anger of a thousand burning fire crotches or bubbling with girlish anticipationz.  It might just be a tummy bubble,  those habanero wings are wondrous but they give me more hot air than the politicians ”makin” on our country.  I’m sure it’s the latter but please act as tho it’s not so that my naughty bitz still feel manly.  I really think these could pair well with a slim cut jean or even a clean khaki slack with a cuffed hem but what do I know

*que orchestral theme music*

 ”All Hail The Supreme High Priest of Man Diva Ovahness – HA”

So……………ummmm,  if anybody feels led to…………um…………….y’know, but them…………….for me……………………………..please don’t hesitate.

Z’maji, “And no I will not be trading ‘favors’ for them……………….this time *shamed*”.

Z’maji Sayz: And Yes, Even The Red Carpet Was Bored.

 

I don’t understand how you can have lots of cash money fundages that you didn’t have to lay on your back to make or get on your knees for and you can’t for the love of Sasha Fierce’s glitter poo find a stylist with an original point of view *Grrrr*.

 

I’m belly achin’ of course because the Golden Globes went down a few days ago (and by ‘Golden Globes WENT DOWN’,   I don’t mean Pam Anderson made another tape with Tommy) and even tho the ladies were dressed to the Motha-McLovin-T,  the ensembles were all so monotonous,  typical and just plain ol’ icky caca boring.  You know things are wrong when you start to make life choices such as, “should I keep watching this trash or go in my closet and smother myself in a pile of couture?”  It was more painful to watch than sitting in another city whilst your FashionINDIE co-workers live blog from the sidelines of a fashion show *sad*…………and that’s real tangible pain like kidney stones or asbestos panties or anger sex with Judge Judy.

Beautiful Ones: Halo

 

 

I can see your Halo.  I bask in the beauty of your light,  bound by the energy of your being.  In the warmth of your aura I am reborn, enraptured by the supernatural,  overwhelmed with your divine nature.   Your energy.  Your truth.  Your Halo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The HAUTES & the nautes: Golden Globes 09′

 

 

I’ve been real excited about the 09′ award season but I see I would’ve gotten more thrill out of a syringe of premium grade butt fat on it’s way into some ancient socialite’s lips and slinky-like bosom sectionz.  Don’t get me wrong,  many of the women were dressed to the motha-mclovin-T but their wardrobe choices had all the flavor and refreshment of that urine beverage water the Kathie Lee sweat shop kids drink.  I’m surprised that the red carpet didn’t roll it self up and quit in the middle of the precession,  just pissed cuz it all sucked so much.  I just love how these chicks get on the red carpet and stand there like I owe them a box of crackers and a Valium for successfully putting on clothing.  No you’ll get your Scoobie snax and extracurricular pill fix when you show up in the proper goods,  now let’s start killing some stylists………………….FIRING,  I meant firing some stylists,  that’s what I meant.

Now that I’ve passed that dramatic turd,  The HAUTES & the nautes:

 

The HAUTES:

 

‘Auf Wiedersehen’ indeed cuz it’s nothing but goodbye and ovahness when Heidi blessed the dead-carpet with a playful vintage cocktail dress by Galliano

 

Drew looked sexy and fresh out the bed from award night love gettin’ in Dior by Galliano. 

 

The cliched red dress was anything BUT on lil Eva(that’s her gangsta rap name) by Reem Acra. 

 

Lady McJiggle’Yums looked ready for some good ol’ Texas hog-tyin’ and chitlin shuckin at the spring cotillion.   A thick & buttery vision in Elie Saab.

 

“I’ll never let go” said Kate Winslet before she dunked Leo’s cold lifeless body, to save her own, after their ocean liner sort of capsized……….and she remembered she had this dress at home.   Thank God she’s selfish cuz she’s killin yawl in classic Yves St. Laurent. 

 

Some really hot colored chick named Viola Davis,  with magnificent upper baby feedin’ setz and a whole lot of pretty teeth.

 

JLo’s butt wore Marchesa and the rest of her for an accessory. 

 

St. Angie of La Bradford in Versace.  Her only jewelry?  Her heart of gold and the glory of the lord.

 

Susan Sarandon holding it down for the grannies with healthy libidos and high perky bosomz in Hugo Boss.

 

 

the nautes: 

Disclaimer:  The following may cause nausea and intense disappointment along with feelings of depression and a sense of injustice.

Cam,  maybe you should “smoke” AFTER you’ve picked out your ensemble from now on boo!

 

I personally think Rumer Willis is lovely buuuuuutttt……………….I will say however,  if you just put your thumb right over her head, this picture works itself out.  Ronald McDonald did not approve the sell of his hair color to the everyday peoplez.

 

Glen Close is such a handsome woman,  I love her black Baptist Easter Sunday outfit.  I’m just waiting for her to “catch the Holy Ghost”.

 

*stares blankly*

 

“Arrrgggh!  And after the croc ate me hand,  he dressed me up in the dark with no bra so’s me teets could hang to me knees”

 

Questionable Mention:

I don’t think this is as bad as people say it is.  It’s just the sleeves and the “my breath smells like low self-esteem and I can taste it” face are bad accessorization…………….is that a word?

‘Nouncementz: Z’maji’s 09′ Wishlist, Gimme More!

I wants it and I wants it NOW!  Last year was a not very friendly to the advancement of my wardrobe and personal belongings.  I was thinking about stealing what I wanted but thievery is so not in season, neither is being caught and going to the clink to play wife to some big dude named Lester with a penchant for rough lovin *shudder*.  So instead I’ll let you all getz it for me……………….stop laughin’ you!

 

 

Stephen SprouseLouis Vuitton collection by Marc Jacobs.  Why yes, yes I am a label whore.

 

Asus T91 convertible touch screen PC.  It does something important but I just want it cuz it’s sexifull.

 

Billionaire Boys Club Diamond Dollars Gold Backpack *drooling and mindless babbling*

 

Space Diaper from who else but the Japanese (love the Hentai diagram.  What!?  Sometimes I be bloggin and I don’t wanna get up,  you don’t know me!

LV Monogram Canvas Sac a Dos Bosphore(the real thing, NOT a knock off, slay the bootlegerz,  slay them now).  I was The Louis Vuitton Don back when Kanye was wearin’ Wal-Mart clearance items and Blue Blockers.

 

 

Raf Simons space boots………………..that is all.

 

Paco Rabanne 1 Million fragrance,  becuz every man should smell like an expensive hustler with morals and an eager libido.

 

 

 

So many people say they blog cuz it’s fun,  which I agree with but I’m trying to keep it pushin and stack some fun coinage.  Why not get paid for your intellectual content,  of course in my case I don’t know if you’d consider my foolishness intellectual?  Are you laughing again? *anger*

Skull Candy “TI” headphones cuz I’m so retro nouveau and I gotta still look cuter that other people whilst I surf the blogosphere

 

The Beatles collectibles by Stanley Kubrick.  Only problem is they look so real,  I just know they’ll come to life while I sleep and kill me like in “Tales From The Hood”.  I know such shame for actually seeing that movie.

 

Wardrobe Malfunction: I Hate To Be The Loser That Starts The New Year Off Real Wrong But, Er, Um……

Courtney, Courtney, Courtney!  Fashion Police can’t even get this one,  the government is gonna have to establish a whole new agency to take care of this offense.  Now they’se gonna raise taxes and gas will be higher than meth-heads on payday.  I guess some good does come out of this  tragic scene,  it makes me remember my D.A.R.E. training from elementary school.  Now I believe it was ”just say no to barbiturates and anything you can’t pronounce” or was it “don’t sniff the white out?”……………..whatevaz.  Now pass the Sharpies,  I’m comin’ down!  *CHEEZE*

  -Z’maji,  “Kurt Cobain would be ashamed or maybe he’d be oddly arroused?”

‘Nouncementz: HauteBlog Shine In 09′

Fashionophiles,  I must apologize for neglecting you like Katrina victims & unwanted redheaded abortion survivin’ baby childrenz (down with baby killerz *GRRRR*).  However it’s 09′ so let’s all step it up a lil and stop smokin’ crack pebbles  and sleepin’ with random homeless people and buyin’ sweat shop knock offs.   It’s time to be better than we were in 08′.  You can trust,  I’m SO back and you can take that to the bank………….just don’t cash that girl till Friday,  those insufficient fund fees suck horse pa-kee-kee!

Z’maji,  “09′ is mine,  MU-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA *dramatic much*”