Glamouratti everywhere can relax and stop clenching their brown eye cuz it appears we’ve dodged the ugly train save for that one new member I pushed into itz path for the fun of it.  I thought I was gonna have to snatch out my earrings, lace up my tennis shoes and Vaseline my face down for a swift trip to Ungaro headquarters to injure me some interns and administrators.  Apparently, the fashion line has met with some resistance from retailers and fashion critics that are skeptical of Lohan as a contributor.  In other words, it’d be a cold, penicillin free day in the deep, itchy cavern of firecrotch b4 they would jump onboard.  If you want to end your company why don’t you just do like respectable peoples and hire thugs to burn it down so’s you can collect the insurance money and retire to Fiji with your employees pension funds, GAUDE!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of Mean Girls just like the next kunt but I don’t even trust Lindsey with her own life choices let alone anyone elses.  Thank the Lord of Pink Slippage and Unemployment that we dodged that trip to the free clinic!

If you were ever in a 12 step program for addiction to Oochy-Wallah and the Projects Sex and The City, then you’re a Patrica Field stan(fan + stalker = stan) like me.  Patricia was the costume designer/stylist for the series and the movie.  I wonder if she also styled the Sushi bikini Samantha’s snackerdoodle wore in the film *ponders*.  I personally had to go through a 3 week deliverance service, were I was doused in anointin’ oils and suffocated with a prayer shawl and by the sweet, delicious spittle of Christ I was delivered……….now I only watches the re-runs.  Back in everyday people land, Patricia Fields online store has debuted new pieces for the forward and ris-kaaay.  Body suits, jackets, dresses and Patricia’s original claim to fame, leggings.  I would cop me a pair of the mens legginz and break out these buttery brown thigh meatz on yawl but I don’t want to be anybodys reason to embrace the piss green spirit of jealousy, that girl is a’mighty unsavoury!

Shakira ft Lil Wayne – Give It Up To Me

I bind and rebuke the uterus poppin spirit of Sasha Fierce!  Come out I say, back to the hoodray house part from whence you came *flings anointing oil drenched Louis Vuitton prayer shawl*.  Sweet gyratin back doe’ cakez of hell,  who knew that Shakira was a get it-get it-go girl.  In this sweet and to the point vid for her new song Give It Up To Me, our chaste She-Wolf bangs out this jammin negro spiritual with her new buss-it-baby, sperm bank extraordinaire Lil Wayne and he brought along his dreadlock extensions, how Christ like of him.  Anywhorez, you get it Shaki, you bettah bake and serve them hot cakes and empanadas and things of that nature.  Check out the buttah brown hip-hop dancers pushin that baby maker to improve international relations, Oooo Shakira, you all down with the colored people and stuh’.

Beyonce ft Lady GaGa – VideoPhone

I don’t know what stunt Beyonce’s jigglin donkey cakez is tryna pull but  I wantz my money back………and I ain’t even paid none!  I watched this vid last night and tho I was livid with disappointment, I slept on it.  Alas, however, I awake to find it wasn’t a wet nightmare but it was in fact the blood pissing tragedy that it is.  What a waste of manpower and billable hours!  I’m sure gaggles of gayz everywhere are catchin the vaporz and clutchin their salt water pearls becuz of this foolishness but I’m not amused for we are not ignorant of the devils devices *praise break*.  The devil is workin, really workin and now that gyrl has moved into workin in video production cuz clearly this is the workinz of evil from the moist dewey warmth of hell.  I knew ‘VideoPhone’ was about a video phone but I don’t see why it has to look like IT WAS FILMED ON ONE, and why is my GaGa-Goo barely in it?  What did B have her doin the whole time, chillin at the Kraft services table eatin pastry, tryna make new dimples of cellulite?!  What I really wanna know is, who let their child edit this on their college grade calculator becuz I’m ready to exact my revenge.  Howz about a nice chemical peel with battery acid and staples.  Itz like I’ve been anticipating this moment ever since I heard about it and now, like a new virginal bride with an inexperienced husband, I’m left feelin unsatisfied, greasy and sore!  I loves my Beyonkey Donkey but thank GAUDE itz not to late to annul this thing!

Yaaaaaaaaaahhsss Tenitra Michelle La’Destiny Fierce!  Live Judy, LIVE!

CHUYCH!!!

Easter Sun’dy Best, B Selection Soloist Game Propah!

If you don’t know, Tenitra is Michelle’s real live Gaude given negro spiritualized 1st name……I know, right!  I spazzed a gay old spazz and my face quite yesterday when I seent’ Destinys Child’s church hen meltin photo lenses with feverz and thangs of that nature.  I thought it was Sausage Fierce but when I didn’t see a leotard strip pulled up into exposed crotch petals I realized it was our little missionary Michelle, yawl know this lil ol’ thang is destroyin ya self-esteem right nah!  These snapz are from a recent photo shoot with photog guru Derek Blanks which I’m surprised looked this good after Derek’s encounter with the Artificial House Monkeys of Atlanta.  I’m surprised he survived cuz y’know harpies suck the life outta unsuspecting men to stay young so they can live to terrorize mankind for another 100 years.  Itz kinda like socialite harpies filling their face cracks with butt fat and foreskin pomeade, only more invasive like a hot grease colonic.  And at that last statement, I see I’ve gotten off subject into a really dark, desolate ugly place: Wal-Mart’s apparel section.  See Tenitra below and fling a lil love gift in the offerin plate b4 you leave:

Coiled dreams flowing from the mind, tangled free falling tendrils, billowing with abandon in the caress of winds from the east.  Crown, Treasure, Fantasy, illuminated by the light of a jealous sun.

Aren’t these the cutest most mortifying little trinkets that ever slipped out of the abysmal hole of hell.  When you look at them, itz almost like you can feel your soul bein sucked out through your crap shoot, kinda tickles doesn’t it *giggletz*.  In celebration of  kick starting the Apocalypse his magnificent new line of apparel, being released exclusively via collete, Karl Lagerfeld(Oh Mighty Prince of Darkness), along with Tokidoki have released a mini collectable of Karlz own likeness, sounds like some’o'dat devil worshipin to me!  Itz almost hard to tell them apart what with the skinny black suit, the slicked back coif of white hair, the dark shades that hide the dead lifeless eyes, burning with a tyrannical rage bent on the utter destruction of man-kind and existence as we know it……..yaaahs, a perfect likeness. Peeer-fict!

Yeeeeee-Dawwwgggy!  Well slap my cakez and stirrup my heffah hoez, who knew that country folks wore anything but Yee Haw jean overalls and the crisp, raunchy fragrance of horse droppinz? Wretched!  Well I didn’t know…….really I didn’t.  Honestly, the most amazin thing is that everybody had all their teef and no one was chewin on a piece of straw.  Of course, that’s false advertisin.  I mean,  I don’t even think there was anybody there that could say that their girlfriend was also their sister, what kinda knock off hoe down is that?  I just love that glittery backwoods chic of the CMA’s in all it’s bold, blonde, wide toothed bustiness and itz sparkling cloud of toxic hairspray.  I say a health lung tissue is a small sacrifice to make for Country music’s biggest night!  Mmm, smells like cow chips!

*takes a puff from oxygen tank*

This is Rebe McEntire………and this is her fine middle age’d body draped in a low cut sequined gown, jealous much?

Kellie Pickler lookin real right in a copper lame onesie, not sure about that hair, Do Ovah Pleeze!

Best Dressed of the night, Sugarland!  Tailored suit and Tier-Trained gown game propah!  Jennifer…..how YOOOU doah? 

The Power House Underwood in all her pageantee glory!  Miss Nashville better watch her spray tan’d bikini stubble!

Kanye victim Taylor Swift in a chiffon sequined prom dress.

Country’s hottest couple, The McGraws, lookin real sexy for Jesus

LeAnn decked in all white AND a white gown *rimshot*.  Get it? NO?…….Get OUT!

Nicole and Keith and her bosom, all choked up – screaming for air and retribution

Uh Oh, Man-Diva Ovahness Alert! Someones lookin Fabuluuusssss Danny Gokeeeeyyy

Chuck Wicks givin you face in a casket sharp, two piece.  Somebody put a mirror under his nose to see if he’s still breathin…….

Lady GaGa – Bad Romance

What was……………….I mean……………………..I don’t……………………why was…………………………….who in the…………..

This is your brain on Gaga! 

I don’t even know what to tell you’se reprobates about Lady Gaga’s new video becuz after I watched it I slammed my head against my computer screen in excitement and rolled around on the floor praisin Gaude for fashions and thangs.  I thought I was havin a stroke cuz I couldn’t feel the right side of my face but then I realized it was b’cuz I was droolin onto my keyboard in a haze of GlitterLust…………maybe it was contact high from the narcotic binge that obviously created this ugly fabulussness?  All I know is Gaga owe me a new keyboard and $750 to replace my flat screen monitor(I don’t have a flat screen monitor).  Honestly, I haven’t formed a cohesive line of thoughts in days……. I’m so afraid,  hold me…………but wait, ummm, I’m gonna need you to keep your hands on the outside of my clothes please?