Monthly Archives: March 2008

HauteBlogBattleArena: JamieLynn vs Solange – Hautest Teen Baby Momma

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 Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Good-Time Gals

 

*DISCLAIMER*  I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST TEEN MOTHERS, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.  ALSO I HAVE “THAT” SENSE OF HUMOR, SO LAUGH ABOUT IT AND MOVE ON…..DO.NOT.WRITE. ME EMAILS ABOUT HOW CRUEL I AM TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTERS LIMBER PORNOGRAPHIC SEXCAPADES ON SPRING BREAK IN CANCUN THAT MADE YOU A GRANNY BEFORE YOU EVEN HAD YOUR 1ST BOTOX UNFORTUNATE SITUATION.

In this corner weighing (even I’m not gonna play about a chicks weight) pounds, in the “My sister flashed her cout’er to the paparrazzi and all she got was this shirt” with the growing baby bump, Jamie Lynn Spears AND in this corner, weighing (I already told you I’m not goin there) pounds soaking wet, in her mommas bedsheets and her sisters run over shoes, Solange Piaget Knowles-Smith…….whew! that name?! 

Alright blood thirsty fashionophiles, it’s time for our favorite past-time where we pit young “starlets”, official douchebags & style superheroes against each other in a carnage fest called HauteBlogBattleArena, MU-HA-HA-HAAAAA!  Today it’s our favorite little sisters Solange and Jamie Lynn. They’ll battle it out in a weave pulling, eye-scratchin’, white knuckle battle to the death for the title of “Hautest Teen Baby Momma”.  After getting in a “family way” from playing big girl & bumpin” uglies with high school boy toys, who is the Queen of the teen yummy mummys.  Ladies, Gentlemen & Undecided, I present the evidence…….

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Lookin’ like poster children for siesta with big sis……time for a sedative and some napage

 

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Ballyhoo and Fooleries on the red carpet

 

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Givin’ you glamour & pose for them girls reppin’ that underage prenatal care

 

-Z’maji, “Who’s takes the crown and the grand prize of a screamin’, breast feedin’ parasite?”

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Wardrobe Malfunction: ‘Da Fool’ In The Monarchy

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It looks like a gaggle of mangy crows and a bedazzled herd of trannies died to make this dress………..and then her majesty picked a few pink roses and decided to bootleg a handbag, do it Miss Monaco giiiirrrl.  The Princess Caroline of Hanover stumbled her way into the Monte Carlo Rose Ball 08′ all smiles and giggles, totally unaware that her gay best friend stylist had set her up for failure.  Since I’m all up in her cracker barrell about what she has on,  I’ll refrain from making gardening jokes about her “handbag”.  Ladies, if you’re an older sophisticated woman,  it is unsavoury to show up to a gala flashin’ flat, liver spotted, old skool tiddy, I mean her own kin wouldn’t even pull her to the side and help her out, that’s cold.  What is really gettin’ me is that she really seems oblivious to the fact that her bizniss is showin’.  I guess that open champagne bar started gettin real good to her and she said to herself, “I’m the princess of Monaco,  I wish ya’ll would say somethin’ bout my vintage tiddys”.  Of course she would have been the worst dressed there buuuuutt, 

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^^Karl Lagerfeld (love him in spite of himself *the genius behind Chanel*) showed up lookin’ like ‘Beelzebub, Oh Mighty Prince Of Darkness’ and well……..well, Jesus wept.

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Awwww, Whyte Jesus is weeping for her majesty……he truly loves us all.

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Her Daughter however could get it and thrice on Sun’dy………

 

-Z’maji, “There’s a stylist in the kingdom that will be beheaded at noon tomorrow – SLAY HER NOW!!!”

A,B,C or D?: Tyra Banks ‘Tig Ole Nibbys’

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Tyra Banks and her Mc’Cleavage at the ANTM awards is lookin…….

A) like a thick & rich scrumpziourz bottle of Mrs. Buttazwurf 

B) the Kool-Aid pitcher mascot went “high-fashion”

C) a sick-chemo-therapeutic mess

D) heavy and stretch mark laden yet still……scrumpziourz

Questionable?: Scientology Meets Fashion….Jesus Has A Fit!

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[pic swipped from Perez Hilton, it was too perfect to not steal]

 

Dear Mrs. Holmes-Cruise,

    In light of the information that you will be “designing” your own death shrouds clothing line for Armani, this is your official warning.  If you DARE to make a bunch of pretentious crap with pricetags that can only be paid for with prostitution…. NOTHING, NOT EVEN XENU & ALL THE OTHER SCIENTOLOGY EXTRATERRESTRIALS  WILL BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU FROM THE WRATH TO COME THAT IS Z’MAJI, play with me if you want heffa!  Now aside from my promise to DESTROY your life if you screw with the fashion consumers,  I actually am really becoming fond of you and your newfound sense of style.  I think that since you’ve gotten with Tommy, your look has totally improved but that is one of the perks of bein Mrs. Cruise…..that and your career flops……..oh and after you bare his seed your womb is decimated to shreds of flesh, never to produce life again…

                                                                                                      – In the love of white Jesus, Z’maji

-Z’maji, “I really will hurt you sweetie, don’t play”

Ummmmmmm?

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Donatella Versace @ TODAY Show

 For all of those comtemplating letting some butcher plastic surgeon hack up your mug, I present exhibit A.  SKELETOR LIVES!!!

-Z’maji, “DO.NOT.WANT.”

Haute Magz: Ashton Does ‘Casket Sharp’

 

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That boy’ clean!  He looks good and ready for a face-2-face to chew the fat with Jesus.  It’s like a mix between ‘Ethan Hawke in Gattaca’ and the Million Dollar man sprinkled with scientology chic for his feature in the quarterly men’s fashion bible magazine, V-Man.  My one problem with this shoot is that he’s wearing my shoes, those D&G white leather tennis shoes……such a good reason to commit armed robbery, be afraid *squints*.  As much as people try to make Ashton just another ‘perty’ face, he’s actually a talented actor and a savy business man what with his ventures into film and t.v. production………..of course doing “Punk’d” didn’t help that image in any way but he’s growing – baby steps, baby steps.

-Z’maji, ”  Um Demi, uuuuuh, I don’t know if it’s a good idea to let children wear all white” *crickets*

[perused at http://www.dlisted.com/ ]

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Wardrobe Malfunction: Christina Still Can Get It, buuuuut…

 URGENT  NOTICE: LEATHER SUITS IS ‘DA FOOL’  DO.NOT.WEAR. EFFECTIVE FOREVER & EVER AMEN!!! 

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Chrisi, Chrisi, Chrisi. 

I don’t even care about PETA.  I mean they can go suck it right along with all the other people that would take out a family of six in a mini-van to save a stray mutt on the freeway,  but you must be sniffin’ high grade latex paint to wear AAAAAALLLLL that dead cow…….ANYWHERE!  You look like you skinned poor Elsie with your own finely manicured hands cuz you’re seriously channelin’ vampire bloodsucker,   IT GOT YOU LOOKIN’ SO CRAZY RIGHT NOW. 

You betta be glad I love me some you, I mean I would take out that family of six on the freeway to save you but I can’t go for these kinda of foolish dealins’.  Therefore, becuz you so phoine,  I will officially ‘let you make it’……..but don’t wear that no mo……NO MO!

-Z’maji, “Call me when you bury what’s left of that cow….”

* perused at http://tnhott.blogspot.com/ *