Monthly Archives: January 2009

Hello Kitty: Can’t Stop Won’t Stop!

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Hello Kitty is more than an entrepreneur,  she’s a bitter Nazi like dictator bent on world domination *meow*.  That thang is spreadin’ like a burnin’ venereal disease amongst the children at Spring Break in Cancun,  with no sign of remission.  I thought I had seen it all when I saw those Asian terrorists with Hello Kitty Rifles,  I was so done you coulda served me as dinner at Oprah’s with mama bizkitz and taterz.  However,  not to be deterred,  Ms. Kitty forges on with a fresh cosmetics line through M.A.C. or as many of you reprobates call them God!  What will HK do next?  Maybe Hello Kitty Colostomy bags?  A Hello Kitty wooden prosthetic leg with a hungry termite in it and the termite is wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt & beret?  No?

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For those of you who thought I was kidding and would dare to question my authoritaaaar!  See God’s beloved weildin’ said object below:

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Blessed Be Coco

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You betta pose you d’lushuz piece of woman cakez!

Here’s Coco Rocha in Spanish Vogue(I would’ve said Vogue Espana but I can’t figure out how to put the ~ over the ‘n’ *shamed*).  A few years ago,  Vogue did a issue called “The Worlds Next Top Model”, which featured 10 fresh faces including Chanel Iman, Agyness Deyn and sweet Coco.  Even though all the girls looked in serious need of cornbread and donut’n’pork sausage sang’whiches,  I saw heaven in Coco’s food deprived eyes.   From that moment on,  I knew I’d love her till the 12th of never when Karl LagerfeldSatan brought back bowler hats and Doc Martins.  In all honesty,  that’s true,  she totally killed that issue like none of the other girls could.  Clearly they were too hungry to give face ovahness and pose silly down like sweet Coco.  Now be silent and worship.  If you’re good she’ll frown for you and make your life of value,  insolent dogs. 

 – Z’maji, “Oh Coco,  I’ve just promoted your career  and you didn’t even have to promise me your 1st born”

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HAUTE Tunez: Christina Milian Made Me Swallow My Gum

Christina Milian – Us Against The World

(WARNING: May Cause Sexual Arousalmentation………ness)

Back in the day Christina Milian had a song called, “Get Away and I fell head over heels in stalk love, even when she started makin sexi timez with Nick Cannon *jealous*.  Everyone has their flaws,  maybe at the time she had low self-esteem or a brain aneurysm or a yeasty infection that was affecting her ability to make responsible life choices?  Whatever the case, she was and still is a vision of ‘thank ya jesus’.   Her new song “Us Against The World”is refreshing but the daring leotards are like pure adrenaline.  I know my pulse was racing – wait,  maybe that was for another reason, down boy*woof*.  Anyway,  congratulationings to sensational model Nick Dese who plays Christina’s mysterious desert lover mayne.  Unfortunately,  they ended the scene before we got to see some butta brown relations but I’d like to believe he rocked her wig……….in the biblical sense of course.  I really hope he wifes her and lives off the residue.

-Z’maji,  ”  *watches video for the 30th time,sigh*  “

HAUTE’N’Random: Dope Boy Lagerfeld

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Oh NO!  The projects ain’t safe no more,  not with Lagerfeld hustlin’ these mean streetz.  Don’t you just know he has an illegal concealed weapon, narcotics & barbiturates under his clothing………..after all he is Beelzebub, Oh Mighty Prince of Darkness!  Fresh!

Photoshop Me Til I’m Cute: Fergie and M.A.C. Have Some ‘Splainin’ To Do.

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Fergie for M.A.C. Viva Glam

 

I love Fergadocious just like the next person that doesn’t hate her and wish her dead but THIS ain’t her.  Please, understand me,  I’m all for airbrushing out bullet wounds and cellulitus meatz and the stretch marks of low self esteem,  but when I have to do an investigation into who in the photoChoped, pixelated hail you are,  we’ve overdone it just a wee taste.  There ain’t enough workin out of the fitness in the world that would merit these foolishnesses before us. 

Well…………..whoever this young lady is,  she’s lovely and showgirl plumage is so in this season,  git it mommi!

 

Z’maji,  “Maybe I’m wrong.  Does married life stretch the face and tiddy bosomz to perfection?”

PETA Sux: SeaKittens?! Well I’m Sure They’ll Taste Good With Tartar Sauce Too!

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PETA won’t be happy till we’re wearing human skin parkas and eating burgers made out of everyday peoplez.  Those tree molestin’ loons continued they’re push toward a certified assault to the face and vital organs from yours truly with their latest whoring for attention being on food, which of course is 1 of my favorite past-times.  I’ve tollerated the foolishness about the fur *zones out, gurgles, “Fur is murder,  faaaaaabulous murder”* but when you start messin with my Fillet-a-fish (if that’s what it really is) from McDumpys and baby fish eggs on crisp soda crackers well that’s just Un-American,  Un-American indeed! 

They’ve dubbed fish: ‘sea kittens’…………….no really,  ‘sea kittens’!  

Honestly,  I’m not really bothered.  If they call them ‘sea kittens’,  that’s just a cute name I can think of as I inhale a plate of ’em with tater fries and fixins.  Being a black southern gentleman, from sturdy, cholesterol rich country people,  I’ve eaten my weight in catfish many times over.  So I just need PETA to know that if they try to mess with my tasty’n’fried, fatnin ‘sea kittens’,  lives will be lost…………..no seriously I’ll claw their eyes out, I mean it. 

Z’maji,  “Here kitty, kitty, kitty…………Z’maji wants to give you a nice warm corn meal and hot grease bath”

HAUTE Adz: Vickie B’s Turn

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Oh my’lanta,  I guess one Beckham servin’ up the monkey fixins and sexy cakez wasn’t enough.  It’s amazing that Victoria Beckham doesn’t do a thing in life but show up on red carpets and pose for ads and get paid millions,  I ain’t mad or nothin’,  I just wish she’d return my call about that little $3,000,000 payday loan I asked her about when she woke up and I was standing over her bed watching her sleep.  I said I’d pay it back dang!  People get a lil husband with some money and position in the world and they act like they can’t let you hold a lil sumthin. 

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Honestly,  I think this is all a plot for Armani to be able to have portraits of the Beckhams in compromising positions *woof* hanging in his private bathroom at the castle for “personal” sexy time(it gets lonely at the top ya’ll)…………or maybe that’s just what I’d do…………..don’t judge me.

Z’maji, “Can you believe she still ain’t got back 2 me about that 3 mill?”