Monthly Archives: February 2009

Mama Tina YES, HSN NO!

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Warning: HSN products cause nausea, scabies, the cancers, the crazies and a big ol booty. Click at your own risk – Tina Knowles HSN collection
 
I lovez you Tina, so sexi mammi!
 
Peoplez, in case none of you received the note I sent via carrier pigeon, I personally have a crush on Mrs. Tina Knowles *singing Here’s to you Mrs Robinson/Jesus loves you more than you will know*.  Hot old chicks rock!  However, anytime anyone starts peddlin’ wares on HSN,  my spidey sense starts tingling and I get a huge rash on my butt the shape of Texas.  We all know that the whole House of Dereon thing hasn’t gone so well since most of what they’ve put out can only be worn on stage ‘Survivin’ with Destiny’s Child or pattin yo weave on the set of Single Ladies.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d still drank Beyonce’s bathin’ water after a rough and sweaty world tour but Dereon wasn’t what I thought it would be………………or actually it’s exactly what I thought it would be *sad face/disappointment in life*. 
 
Everything’s just so random and the word “cohesive” is like a child no one wanted but no one had the courage to get rid of so they just ignore it.  I stang by how yummi Tina Knowles make me feel on the inside part but it’s time to put this project sleep in the sweet rest of Jesus and euthanasia.  Of course, I am talking about HSN and that’s where fashion is murdered slowly along with your salary.  Which brings me to my 2nd point,  I’ll be starting an HSN rehabilitation group soon……..not for me, for you………really………..don’t judge Z’maji! 
 
Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO
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What Use To Was………..

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Do you remember when you’d watch a Lindsey Lohan movie and before you knew it, you were drooling into your popcorn with the butter like oil substance?  There was a time when that freckled bosom was the most searched for thing online. Search engines where crashing at the overwhelming quest of young boys and dirty geezers to find just a twinkle of milky white Mean Girl flesh…………..God, I’ve made me’self hot.  Now-a-days however,  I’d rather watch Rosie O’Donnel win a wet t-shirt contest *shiver*.  That might be a bit dramatic but I won’t take it back,  I’m gangsta like that.  What happened to that hot piece that was making crappy teen movies and bein all readheaded and hot and stuff?  This is the problem with celebrity.  I always compare fame to one of those sucky face spider things from the movie Alien,  it’s ALWAYS gonna end real bad.  It just sucks the life from you and all that’s left is an emaciated douchebag on auto-pilot.  Dude, I mean, I wouldn’t hit it with YOUR no-no! 

     – Z’maji, “Hello……….Fed-Ex…………yes, can I deliver 5 whole hamz and a side of beef and a tub of lard and some aerosol cheese and a box of red hair dye to Lindsey Lohan……………………yea,  we gotta bring the sexy back……….*click*……hello?………..”

Christian Siriano Still Servin You Fashion Week Ovahness

Y’know loves,  it feels like a CHICO’s kinda day (ewwww) so I wanted to treat you to some behind the scenes smut from Chrissy Siriano.  Awwww, look at our little ferocia being all authoritative and influential and thangs. Everytime I see that gravity defying, razor sharp do,  I get giddy all up and through my heart region……………all up and through *sniffle*.  Now,  I heard through sour grapes on the grapevine that someone,  somewhere was sippin on a haterade martini beverage because my homeboy over at Fashion Indie, Daniel Saynt, was gonna crash Siriano’s showing at Fashion Week.  You people just better thank Anna Wintour’s wig set that I wasn’t there to crash the show.  The carnage I would’ve poured out on those poor little door people with their precious little lists.  Fashion Week blood shed is just so PETA and you know how much I love them *finger down throat*.  Now move,  I came to see Chrissy.
 
-Z’maji,  “Hello, 911,  yes there’s been a mass butt-whoppin at Fashion Week…………..I don’t know,  some beautiful Man-Diva beat down the entire door staff!  There was so much Ovahness!”
Candid, front row footage of the Siriano showing,  please don’t drool on my blog or I’ll kill you………no seriously,  I’ll scratch your eyes out!

Devil Done Got All Up In The Airbrush Kit!

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Ooooo Aubrey,  Giiiiirrrl, You Such A Natural Beauty and Stuff……this can’t possibly be airbrushed! *WAMP-WAMP-WAAAANH*
 
Today in Never-Ever land,  somebody got airbrushed to the Motha McLovin T.  The cover says it’s Aubrey but this lump of undefined silicon anime, doin it’s best Jessica Rabbit bit, couldn’t possibly be my sweet little church girl.  I guess washing windshields at stop lights or goin to a temp agency to find a position of employment was out of the question.  How do you go from multi-platinum girl group to servin up monkey fixins and sexy cakes in Playwhore?  This is definitely not successful career planning  We here as FashionINDIE frown upon such shady dealins.
 
Whomever let the little boy play with the photo shop software over there at the magazine needs a good shrapnel facial and a chemical peel with boiled tranny urine………I’m sorry,  Extra Virgin Tranny Urine. 
 
She looks like a bedazzled albino turd.  It’s like RuPaul had too many of those microwaved pizza roll abominations and 2 hours later,  after he calmed down from thinking he was having menstrual cramps, realized it was just a gut bubble,  puckered and manured’ out God’s beloved that sits before you.  Look at my angel all rouged and ready for a Kodak.  DAMAGED indeed!  Well I hope she at least got a box of Krispy Kremes out of it.  I guess if it was a choice between suckin up to Diddly-Bops douchewater or playin Bingo with Hephner,  I’d choose dry humps at the retirement home too.  I love you so Aubrey……………..no, real talk, I really love you.
 
  – Z’maji, “When you play dominos with Satan Diddy,  this is what happens…………….THIS is what happens……”

Tila Teqkillya……You’re Such A Prude!

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*The following post is snarky,  however, let’s not get it mixed up,  Teqkillya still looks so ridiculously d’lushiss…………..naughty, but d’lushiss*
Behold the pure virginal holiness and sanctified church girl glam’ah of Asian American reality T.V. tiddiez.  Now don’t get me wrong,  Like any red blooded American male I likez breasticals just like the next pervert but a brassiere should not be worn as a shirt unless you’re a stripper,  porno beaver about to perform despicable actz or an evening woman of questionable repute…………..of course, we are talking about Tila Teqkillya.
 
Okay, Mommi,  I get it.  You bought some fresh new silicon setz to prop up your bra meatz and you’d like to play show and tell with the rest of the class.  However m’dear,  you shouldn’t be allowing people to check out the groceries until they pay all surcharges, service and admission fees.  I mean if’n you’re going to dress like a back alley, 360 degree, any-kinda-way-whore you should conduct your bidniss as such.  Love ya Teqkillya.
*  ‘Teqkillya’ is courtesy of extraWhoredinary.com *
-Z’maji,  “I bet her under tiddy is chaffed”