It’s a stampede of candidates for America’s Next Flop Model. Yes childrenz, you read right, they stampeded like a hoard of cows tryin to get to the feedin trough at the Olive Garden, Moooooo! Not to volunteer to help in a needy community or to provide blood so there would be surplus for life saving purposes or to burn Anna Wintour in effigy, not important causes like that. No, these delicate young heffas straight grid-ironed and clawed and catted their way forward for the chance to bask in the glow of Tyra’s premium silky weave. I know Tyra’s gonna turn this into a “very special Tyra” episode and talk to the “victims” about how they overcame this “hardship” and it’s all gonna lead back to her. I mean really, must we push, everyone will have their chance to be told to go kill themselves. This is just ridiculous, I thought I was watchin’ a soup line in a 3rd world country and what’s pitiful is that most of these wannabes will be models when Satan starts up an ice cold lemonade stand in hell on the 4th of “Nevuary”. I would call them whores for attention but I gave up snarkiness for lent………………………so I won’t call them whores……………………I’m just not gonna call them whores……………………no, I’m not calling them that…………not whores………………………wait, what is lent again?
Look at all that Beyonkey Donkey poured into a breathtaking Thierry Mugler original. It’s like a bucket of KFC original but tastier and much more greasy. Oh to be the Spanx huggin all 32′-24′-36′ of that jelly. Beyonce taunts we the fashion elite on the set of her tour promo shoot in a Mugler one of a kind that is clearly NOT House of Dereon, Mama Tina gon’ kill her a few stylists before lunch. I don’t know if you all remember, but Mugler has designed all the costumes and pieces for Beyonce’s new world tour, including that of her dancers and band. I don’t know how much that costs but let’s just say to pay for it, I’m sure Sasha Fierce is gonna have to shake that monkey until it shatters and falls to pieces. If this is just a taste of what Mugler has designed for B’s new tour, clearly I’m going to need a wet nurse and a fresh pack of Depends cuz I’ll be soiling myself with sheer delightz. Actually, I’m soiling myself right now and you all have been a part of it………….and that just makes is that much more special Indiez. Now pass me a baby wipe……..thank ya dear.
Just so you know, I have CPS on speed dial and you’re 1 violation away from me using it douchecock!
Fashnophiles and Loving Parents the only thing worse than those horrible eye sores called Crocs is Dora The Explorer Crocs and the only thing worse than that is actually dressing your child up in those Whora The Explora Crocs, AAARRRGGHH! KILL NOW!
A chick brought her child into my shop to get her hair braided and lo and behold that little monkey had on Dora The ‘Freakin’ Explorer Crocs. There’s actually merchandise that bares her likeness which I’m exceedingly sure was constructed in the 3rd world by lil’ Paco or Ming Choo at a whopping 1cent a day salary, therefore pissing us off just that little bit extra. How do you know you could be out parented by a poo slingin’ chimp? 1) Your daughter’s on the pole 2) Your daughter’s creepin like TLC 3) Your child owns a pair of Dora The Explorer Crocs…………clearly you’ve failed!
If you don’t kill her, I will!
It was all I could do not to douse the child in holy water and curse the prince of darkness for the pure and unholy, cockeye-ded foolishness’es that was set before my eyes. I could just see the blood and sweat of underpaid sweat shop laborers glistening off the logo while that Explora The Whora smiled back at me. I don’t know why I hate that little box headed trollop but I know that a forray into fashion is sure to get the offices of Nickelodeon a medley of hate mail and unmarked, ticking packages. Stop It! Stop It Now! OVAH HA!
Lay off the snacky cakes and lil debras, Fatty
Look children, it’s Gwyny P. lookin all fab and stuff! Oh My GAHD! Her shoe/bag game is bananas, BANANAS I tell ya and the fact that this woman recently bazooka’d out 2 screaming larva should really make you begin to make some life assessments. Chris Martin must be (get ready for one of my ghetto soliloquies) beatin’ it out the frame in fulfillment of those husbandly duties. She looks all refreshed and optimistic about tomorrow, not like the mother of two migraines but like a woman with a randy husband home from prison! Whatever the case, I just want to spread her on a Triscuit with aerosol cheese and snort her like the last fix I can afford till payday, but since she’s all vegamorterium(not a real word) I’ll just have her in some bean curd with a wheat grass chaser………..
photos courtesy of FabSugar
– Z’maji, “And look Ma!……………no make-up!”
………………….since this is my blog and because I’m a sci-fi geek and because I determine what’s Haute and because I’d be willing to sell your mother to cosmetic corporations as a lab test rat for the funds and because I kill yawl with Ovahness like eh-ve-ry-day and because I’d Bonnie and Clide the store that carries them if it didn’t mean I’d have to go to jail and be the man-wife of a raunchy, crazed one eye’d man and because I good and well feelz like it……………..I give you Transformer Tees by Perfectly Flawed for BambooA. Reverence the merchandise childrenz!
-Z’maji, “Because I like it and I shoulda put a ring on it…………?!”
Transformers: Revenge Official Trailer: