Category Archives: HAUTE ‘N’ Random

Jake’Emz: So Easy, Breezy….

Ah Jake, I can see from your stylish ensemble you’ve made a personal Christian commitment to bless God with your life.  I thank the Lordt’ for you ministry.  I will be holding you at gun point and pistol whippin that head borrowing that scarf………..and, jacket………………slacks……..y’know, uh, just…….just don’t be expecting to wear that more than this one time.

P.S. What “water” stain on the front of your left pant leg?


Eliza Fresh From Vampire Slayin


Sugarz to Eliza Dushku, servin you’z reprobatez choice cutz of d’lushusniss on her way to the set of David Letterman in a beige long sleeve tube dress with black & gold embellishment and accessoriez. Peep the lace glove and natural rosy lip color stain.  Protect your cakez and goodz, if ol’ Daves jumpin the bones of staff, just imagine what naughty tomfoolereez he’ll have for the guests (I love David Letterman 4really and truly).  Even tho she’s tryin to promote a new show and move on with her life, we won’t ever let her forget that she was and still is “Faith“, the hot piece of crazy that was givin Sarah Michelle the bidniss on Buffy.

Remember MJ In A Jazzy Way


In honor of the King and the fact that the memorial on t.v. took me down to a real dark, dead & sad place and no I don’t mean Wal-Marts menswear section or Florida’s innercitys *winks at QQ*,  I present to you Michael’s Bedazzled TipToe medallion!  Now before you all begin to offer me your 1st born and make disgusting sexual advances upon my sanctified person,  I can’t help you get one, so unfortunately I won’t be able to wield that beautiful power over your unsuspecting lives.  Bwoy Wonder, a fly mister from London-town, creates one of a kind lego medallions of pop culture staples that are an accessory whorez dewey moist dream.  This is definitely one of the dopest additions to any HollyHood hipster’s wardrobe.  Now you might not be able to rock this at your next PTA meeting or neighbor hood watch potluck but I’m sure you glamah’dollz can find somewherez to rock it.  Be careful now,  if you do get your hands on one,  you might be in danger of bodily harm from random sycophants………..namely me, GIMME THEM GOODZ!

More pieces from Bwoy Wonder:





Gwyny P. Gotz Mid-day Fabulacialeness…..




Look children,  it’s Gwyny P. lookin all fab and stuff!  Oh My GAHD!  Her shoe/bag game is bananas, BANANAS I tell ya and the fact that this woman recently bazooka’d out 2 screaming larva should really make you begin to make some life assessments.  Chris Martin must be (get ready for one of my ghetto soliloquies) beatin’ it out the frame in fulfillment of those husbandly duties.  She looks all refreshed and optimistic about tomorrow, not like the mother of two migraines but like a woman with a randy husband home from prison!  Whatever the case, I just want to spread her on a Triscuit with aerosol cheese and snort her like the last fix I can afford till payday,  but since she’s all vegamorterium(not a real word) I’ll just have her in some bean curd with a wheat grass chaser………..

photos courtesy of FabSugar

 – Z’maji,  “And look Ma!……………no make-up!”

HAUTE’N’Random: Dope Boy Lagerfeld


Oh NO!  The projects ain’t safe no more,  not with Lagerfeld hustlin’ these mean streetz.  Don’t you just know he has an illegal concealed weapon, narcotics & barbiturates under his clothing………..after all he is Beelzebub, Oh Mighty Prince of Darkness!  Fresh!

Haute ‘N’ Random: Ladies & Gentlemen………Johnnifer!

 Jen: Oh My GOD John,  for the last time size doesn’t matter                                 

 John: I just wanna know, It’s a simple question……was Brad bigger than me?


Jen: No, ALRIGHT, NO…….you are the king, the greatest, no other man can compare okay! Are you happy now!?  Sheesh, can I finish tanning now?         

John: That’s all I wanted to hear……….just a lil validation.

[picture source]

You heard of Bennifer and Brangelina,  Beyonjay and Sted’Prah……….well it’s my pleasure to present to you Johnnifer!  Please hold your gagging and projectile vomit till the end of the post.  Now I’m not one to give a yank about celeb gossip,  but this is sooooo hot to see them together…..they’re just sexy McGoodness.  Also John Mayer is one of the most amazing musicians in entertainment…………I wonder if he’s fornicating her yet?  Oh GAWD,  let there be an unauthorized DVD, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian were such disappointments……………….and there sex tapes were bad too! (rimshot)\

 – Z’maji, “NEXT?!……………Nick’ariah!”

Haute N’ Random: Sex & The City = Crack!


Here we go peoples,  a nice rundown of beauteous things to come from the upcoming Sex & The City movie this summer.  I’m so excited about this film that everytime I think about it……I throw up a little bit, and I quit purging a long time ago *crickets*.  We all knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the fashion in the movie was gonna be enough to enduce climax but SWEET MAGNIFICENT JESUS,  I would never have imagined.  So for those of you that feel like the wait is pushing you closer to insanity here’s your crack,  you toothless crackwhore sycophants.  Drool.

 -Z’maji, “I hope Jennifer Hudson’ bosoms is exposed….”




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