Category Archives: Magerzine

HAUTEBlog Newz: Conde Nast Got Some ‘Splainin To Do!

According to the grapevine *ahem, FashionINDIE*, Conde Nast don’t want no stinking Vogue Africa!

Glamour guru Mario Epanya had been pitching the ambitious idea to Conde via email along with these breathtaking samples he imagined but Conde said NO!  Conde?………..Condeeeh?……..c’mon Conde!

Well now, wait, we won’t jump to any extreme conclusions.  I’m sure Conde was just confused cuz there weren’t any monkeys or chimpanzee’s on the cover throwin poo or slangin bananas or nibblin fleas out of the next monkeys fur.  Maybe Conde Nast was confused as to why no one had a bone in their ear lobe or a disc in their lip.  Probably Conde Nast wondered why none of the models were suckin the meat out of a watermelon through a gap where African cootie bacteria malnourishmentz had eaten a hole through their purple gums.  I mean these covers imagined by glamour guru Mario Epanya, they’re preposterous. These beautiful and regal models look human, not a thumbless primate among them and that can’t be real actual uncartoon life.

On top of which, Vogue and Vogue Australia and Vogue India and Vogue UK and Vogue Japan and Vogue Nippon and Vogue Antarctica and Vogue Moon and Vogue Atlantis show plenty of black models.  Vogue Africa would just be frivolous.  Does anyone know the true reason?  I guess only Conde Nast and Conde Nasts stable of Aunt Je-mammies and Uncle Ben’s and gorilla human hybrids are the only ones that will ever know.  Next up, Vogue Eskimo *sips coffee*


ELLE Netherlands Stole Yo Mama Clip On Ponytail

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Giiiirrrrrllll, yo side ponytail is everything but you boy tiddy gets 2 drill team demerits.  I was about to urinate on my screen, as I thought this was Lindsey Lohan at first, but then I realized it wasn’t and clenched to spare my co-workers and computer from an unnecessary golden showah, WRETCHEDT’.  ELLE mag gets the best lookin dolls for their covers don’t they?

 

Liya Servin International Puddinz In ELLE:Italia

The beauteous Liya Kebede graces the cover of the January issue of Italian ELLE.  Isn’t she delicious?!  Someone’s lookin real Ritz cracker spreadable *nom.nom.nom*and I put that on my mama nem.  Right now she’s givin you bohemian alleyway socialite, itz a real look too, google it boo.  I would take the time to break down the look and the designers but the side notes are all in Italian and we all know they didn’t teach foreign language in the hood…….let alone any other quality higher edumatationz so letz just enjoy Liya and her buttery brown ovahness.

<flix via ConcreteLoop>

 

 

 

Girrrrlll, Demi Moore Is PhotoCHOP’D & Still Look Gooder Than You

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After you’re done drooling on my blog and leave a substantial check to pay for the water damage you’ve caused maybe you’ll be able to read my post! *scowl of southern gentlemanly disapproval*

The cover of this Decembers W magazine has some how taken us for dribbling, diaper wearin idiots b’cuz it says that this fine piece of estrogen is 47 years old.  Now I might have to wear a diaper on occasion but I am not an idiot, a prefer the term ‘selectively moronic’.  Alas, however, the flyin monkey trolls over at Wikipedia say that she is in fact 47 but that’s of course if you want to buy into their confirmed and validated, time-tested information,  PUH-LEEEZE!  Even tho these pictures have clearly been touched by the au natural magic of photoCHOP demons, we all know from our inappropriate teenage fantasies that she basically does look just like this.  Oh Demi, I don’t care if your hip gives out and your skin turns paper-thin causing a rustling sound every time you take a deep breath, you’ll always be the Cougar whose Depends I’d love to change…………Ewwww!

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Solange: Fuzzy, Sassy and Saaaxy! (HoneyMag Shoot)

 

 

When Solange cut her hair, shock waves of feverish kunty disapproval spread across these innanetz faster than the clap during Spring Break and every lip glossed kunt’s taint twisted into knots of hateration.  In spite of the backlash of opinions nobody asked for, Solange didn’t care, doesn’t care and it’ll be a balmy, spring day in Hell(wal-mart) b4 she does.  Check her recent interview and shoot with HoneyMag where she informs us all to back up and let her scalp folicles breath.  We live in a time where when a famous person makes a decision for their own life, we all weigh in as if we pay their bills or are related to them or know what they look like with no pannies on.  It’s fine to have your own opinion but get your head outta your colon and realize that if you disagree with someones choice, THEN DON’T MAKE THAT SAME CHOICE.  I must admit I was a little shocked, as I dreamed of one day runnin my fingers through that $5000 hindu deep wave and gettin my fingers caught in the hand made track but after I cried away dreams of precious moments with Solo, I was excited about her daring new look.  She’ll always be worthy of a good ol’ knife wieldin stalk to me!

If’n you likez Solange like me, join me as her Twitter friend: SolangeKnowles

 

 

Blessed Be Coco

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You betta pose you d’lushuz piece of woman cakez!

Here’s Coco Rocha in Spanish Vogue(I would’ve said Vogue Espana but I can’t figure out how to put the ~ over the ‘n’ *shamed*).  A few years ago,  Vogue did a issue called “The Worlds Next Top Model”, which featured 10 fresh faces including Chanel Iman, Agyness Deyn and sweet Coco.  Even though all the girls looked in serious need of cornbread and donut’n’pork sausage sang’whiches,  I saw heaven in Coco’s food deprived eyes.   From that moment on,  I knew I’d love her till the 12th of never when Karl LagerfeldSatan brought back bowler hats and Doc Martins.  In all honesty,  that’s true,  she totally killed that issue like none of the other girls could.  Clearly they were too hungry to give face ovahness and pose silly down like sweet Coco.  Now be silent and worship.  If you’re good she’ll frown for you and make your life of value,  insolent dogs. 

 – Z’maji, “Oh Coco,  I’ve just promoted your career  and you didn’t even have to promise me your 1st born”

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Mag Rag: Bouncy McJiggle’yums Is InStyle

Mrs. Carter is cheesin’ it up on the cover of InStyle magazine’s November issue.  Suprisingly they don’t have any vulgar or compromising pictures of her doin’ the booty hop, tootsie roll or pop-lock’n-drop it’s, but I’m just a boy……..I don’t understand………PUT A RING ON IT.  I personally love the drama of big hair and sparkly clothes which are her signature but I must say this toned down breezy bohemian glam is quite refreshin’.  I love the golden smokey eye and the neutral lip,  it’s just right so that you can actually see the girl.  The laced fronted,  chicken grease smothered,  beautiful eye’d girl!   

-Z’maji, “UH-OH, that don’t look like House of Dereon……….Mama Tina is gon’ beat that head in!”