Category Archives: No…..Seriously……I’ll Kill You!

Red Carpet: Cee-Lo In White After Labor Day and Other Societal Rapes

 

Mah dude and Renaissance Man, Cee-Lo Green, as Pimperella: Grande Kunt of Da Bawl.

Behold, the Glooory of Heidi Klum in a tweeked Mondo original.

Charo givin you’se girls that glamorous “Scarlet O’Hara-Mammy-Make-Me-A-Couture-Outta-Mah-Mama-Bedazzled-Parlor-Drapes” look thats so Haute in da streets right now.

Lucrecia’s home-did prom shroud and Crayola box-braids.

Oh No She Di’Int!

I know that you did not just stumble and fall on the runway during fashion week and as if that wasn’t enough, take off the shoe and hobble your little hobbit headed body off stage!?!?!?

Oh!………I’m sorry…………..was walking to the end of the runway and back without the aid of an act of God too difficult to pull off?

REALLY?! At the Burberry show too?  I knew when they start lettin models eat again we’d have problems.  If I had my way lil girl, the only fashion job you’d be able to get after this would be selling t-shirts at the tractor pull gift shop to dudes nick-named Bubba whose idea of high-fashion is a pair of overalls that don’t have a hole in the crotch!

These models clearly don’t know how to execute a professional walk unless Ms. Anna Wintour is runnin behind em’ crackin that name brand whip!

Let’s Not Forget The Classic:

HAUTEBlog Newz: Conde Nast Got Some ‘Splainin To Do!

According to the grapevine *ahem, FashionINDIE*, Conde Nast don’t want no stinking Vogue Africa!

Glamour guru Mario Epanya had been pitching the ambitious idea to Conde via email along with these breathtaking samples he imagined but Conde said NO!  Conde?………..Condeeeh?……..c’mon Conde!

Well now, wait, we won’t jump to any extreme conclusions.  I’m sure Conde was just confused cuz there weren’t any monkeys or chimpanzee’s on the cover throwin poo or slangin bananas or nibblin fleas out of the next monkeys fur.  Maybe Conde Nast was confused as to why no one had a bone in their ear lobe or a disc in their lip.  Probably Conde Nast wondered why none of the models were suckin the meat out of a watermelon through a gap where African cootie bacteria malnourishmentz had eaten a hole through their purple gums.  I mean these covers imagined by glamour guru Mario Epanya, they’re preposterous. These beautiful and regal models look human, not a thumbless primate among them and that can’t be real actual uncartoon life.

On top of which, Vogue and Vogue Australia and Vogue India and Vogue UK and Vogue Japan and Vogue Nippon and Vogue Antarctica and Vogue Moon and Vogue Atlantis show plenty of black models.  Vogue Africa would just be frivolous.  Does anyone know the true reason?  I guess only Conde Nast and Conde Nasts stable of Aunt Je-mammies and Uncle Ben’s and gorilla human hybrids are the only ones that will ever know.  Next up, Vogue Eskimo *sips coffee*


Ungaro To Lohan: “Girl You Ain’t Gotta Go Home But……..”

Glamouratti everywhere can relax and stop clenching their brown eye cuz it appears we’ve dodged the ugly train save for that one new member I pushed into itz path for the fun of it.  I thought I was gonna have to snatch out my earrings, lace up my tennis shoes and Vaseline my face down for a swift trip to Ungaro headquarters to injure me some interns and administrators.  Apparently, the fashion line has met with some resistance from retailers and fashion critics that are skeptical of Lohan as a contributor.  In other words, it’d be a cold, penicillin free day in the deep, itchy cavern of firecrotch b4 they would jump onboard.  If you want to end your company why don’t you just do like respectable peoples and hire thugs to burn it down so’s you can collect the insurance money and retire to Fiji with your employees pension funds, GAUDE!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of Mean Girls just like the next kunt but I don’t even trust Lindsey with her own life choices let alone anyone elses.  Thank the Lord of Pink Slippage and Unemployment that we dodged that trip to the free clinic!

ARRGH, Blast That GlitterPuss Adam Lambert!

[photo courtesy: gossiprex]
 
What in the iridescent hoe mongerin baby thighed hail is happenin in L.A.?  I’m sorry Ms. Lady but I believe you made a wrong turn, Mad Max and The Thunderdome are back the other way to the right, next to the Gap, proceed there and kill yourself post haste!  I have no idea who in hell left the gate open and let the kunts escape but we need security to the service desk immediately to rectum’fy this situation.
 
This of course is the evil workinz of darkness by one Adam Lambert for the shooting of his 1st Vida “For Your Entertainment”.  I was, however, under the influence that he was shooting a music video and not a gay porn period piece?  I also didn’t know that cock socks, uh, I mean loin cloths were in this season?  I don’t know whether to be pissed at the audacity or thank him for at least coverin his man-junk, malnourished as I’m sure it is.  I want it to be known that if I happen past you on the street and you are re-creating this look, I will promptly destroy you in the face and use your dead corpse to transport illegal knock-offs to needy 3rd world countries. Don’t tempt me childrenz…………

Halloween In Retrospect: The Day Satan Makes Poo-Fudge’z On Fashion

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If this Kate Gosselin wig ain’t enough to scare you into holiness and righteousness, there’s a dangerous chance you’re gonna need some supernatural SPF for your permanent tour of duty in hell.  Over the weekend while you were doin the breaststroke in a puddle of your own sick, the celebrities were dressed in party store trash, doin the cock-eye’ded-fool for Hallee’weenz.  The Devil’s still workin yawl and that girl is PMS’in on a MOOOOONSTROUS rag cuz this blasphemy upon Fashiondom, I’m sure, has even the Lord Christ of Glamour clutchin his pearls of divinity……he got them at Jareds!  I must say a few of the peoplez did put out a lil saaaaxy(Nic and Mariah), but some of these poor unfortunate souls are clearly a part of a dark and sinister plan to bring about the Apocalypse and the resurrection of polyester blends, how flammable.  Where is Anna Wintour’s bob of wonder to save the day when we need and serve justice silly down on these gyrls?!  Gird your meatz and proceed with caution:

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Designer Michael Kors in vintage hippie and Kim Zolciaks plastic wiglet gerbal hat.

 

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Martha Stewart as a furry, upper intestine turd and one of her gays as the Scotsman the turd dropped out of.

 

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Say one word about The Divine Miss M and I’ll destroy yo life and hull out the cavities of your corpse to smuggle designer goods into unfashionable countries!

 

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Celebrity schmoozer Steven Cocojaru,  his many rows of teef’ and what’s left of his right mind. (Strike 1, hairy arms with chiffon – death threat to follow)

 

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Nic and Mariah burnin with the saaaxy glow of holy married relations and financial stability.

 

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Between the blazin orange hair and the silver stretch body suit, I don’t know if Letoya Jackson’s supposed to be an attention whorin, fire crotch or a bedazzled, disco camel toe.

 

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Wendy Williams silicon meatz came as Dolly Parton and wore her as an accessory.

Jermaine Jackson Closeup To Ruin Your Coffee Break

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Is it possible that you spent a little too much time Sharpie’ing in your hairline that you forgot to press on those surgical grade lashes.  I really didn’t want to come for you Jermaine as I went to bible study last night so I’m feelin really holy and stuh’, but you’re a repeat offender and if you insist on being seen in the light then you clearly are askin for it.  You and your paint by number hairline recieve two drill team demerits and open fisted slap for neglecting your press on lashes, do it again I’ll kill you, no seriously I kill you.  Now I know you think that your plastic hair helmet will protect you but just like Vivica’s hairline had to find out the hard way,  I always win.  Love you like Jesus and Dem.