Category Archives: Questionable?

HAUTEBlog Newz: Conde Nast Got Some ‘Splainin To Do!

According to the grapevine *ahem, FashionINDIE*, Conde Nast don’t want no stinking Vogue Africa!

Glamour guru Mario Epanya had been pitching the ambitious idea to Conde via email along with these breathtaking samples he imagined but Conde said NO!  Conde?………..Condeeeh?……..c’mon Conde!

Well now, wait, we won’t jump to any extreme conclusions.  I’m sure Conde was just confused cuz there weren’t any monkeys or chimpanzee’s on the cover throwin poo or slangin bananas or nibblin fleas out of the next monkeys fur.  Maybe Conde Nast was confused as to why no one had a bone in their ear lobe or a disc in their lip.  Probably Conde Nast wondered why none of the models were suckin the meat out of a watermelon through a gap where African cootie bacteria malnourishmentz had eaten a hole through their purple gums.  I mean these covers imagined by glamour guru Mario Epanya, they’re preposterous. These beautiful and regal models look human, not a thumbless primate among them and that can’t be real actual uncartoon life.

On top of which, Vogue and Vogue Australia and Vogue India and Vogue UK and Vogue Japan and Vogue Nippon and Vogue Antarctica and Vogue Moon and Vogue Atlantis show plenty of black models.  Vogue Africa would just be frivolous.  Does anyone know the true reason?  I guess only Conde Nast and Conde Nasts stable of Aunt Je-mammies and Uncle Ben’s and gorilla human hybrids are the only ones that will ever know.  Next up, Vogue Eskimo *sips coffee*


Z’maji Sayz Beyonkey Donkey & GaGa-Goo Owe Me Moneyz!

Beyonce ft Lady GaGa – VideoPhone

 

I don’t know what stunt Beyonce’s jigglin donkey cakez is tryna pull but  I wantz my money back………and I ain’t even paid none!  I watched this vid last night and tho I was livid with disappointment, I slept on it.  Alas, however, I awake to find it wasn’t a wet nightmare but it was in fact the blood pissing tragedy that it is.  What a waste of manpower and billable hours!  I’m sure gaggles of gayz everywhere are catchin the vaporz and clutchin their salt water pearls becuz of this foolishness but I’m not amused for we are not ignorant of the devils devices *praise break*.  The devil is workin, really workin and now that gyrl has moved into workin in video production cuz clearly this is the workinz of evil from the moist dewey warmth of hell.  I knew ‘VideoPhone’ was about a video phone but I don’t see why it has to look like IT WAS FILMED ON ONE, and why is my GaGa-Goo barely in it?  What did B have her doin the whole time, chillin at the Kraft services table eatin pastry, tryna make new dimples of cellulite?!  What I really wanna know is, who let their child edit this on their college grade calculator becuz I’m ready to exact my revenge.  Howz about a nice chemical peel with battery acid and staples.  Itz like I’ve been anticipating this moment ever since I heard about it and now, like a new virginal bride with an inexperienced husband, I’m left feelin unsatisfied, greasy and sore!  I loves my Beyonkey Donkey but thank GAUDE itz not to late to annul this thing!

Jermaine Jackson Closeup To Ruin Your Coffee Break

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Is it possible that you spent a little too much time Sharpie’ing in your hairline that you forgot to press on those surgical grade lashes.  I really didn’t want to come for you Jermaine as I went to bible study last night so I’m feelin really holy and stuh’, but you’re a repeat offender and if you insist on being seen in the light then you clearly are askin for it.  You and your paint by number hairline recieve two drill team demerits and open fisted slap for neglecting your press on lashes, do it again I’ll kill you, no seriously I kill you.  Now I know you think that your plastic hair helmet will protect you but just like Vivica’s hairline had to find out the hard way,  I always win.  Love you like Jesus and Dem.

Miley Showin That Teeny Puddin….

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 Since the new Hannah Montana movie made $34 million at the box office, it’s safe to say that her fan base of sugar high, musty young girls and horny, greasy palmed, lurkin’n’lonely old men couldn’t have given a hot colonic about the tragedy she unleashed at the actual premiere.  There’s a stylist somewhere that deserves a glass of hot piss to the face for makig a lovely girl look like Penthouse ‘Hoe Dealin Of The Month’.  Now no one told me Hannah Montana was going into porn!  I mean, is this a showing for a Disney film or did we make a wrong turn and end up at a Jenna Jameson 4 hour featurette.  I bet that dress comes with secret pocket filled with complimentary birth control snackin pills and flavored sugar free sexin rubbers.  I mean it’s a Missoni, so I guess I should like it but for some reason I have the strong urge to tear up my mama’s house robe and make an attempt at couture,  I mean a hoe rag……………and……………….and are those…………………are those Payless shoes?!?!  Oh, the WHOREmanity!  Miley is too cute to be lookin like someones weekend tasty sang’which spread!  On the other hand,  lookin at her in that dress,  who knew she was holdin like that?

 Oh Miley m’dear,  please just don’t shave your head and attack yo baby daddy SUV with an umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh!

Mama Tina YES, HSN NO!

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Warning: HSN products cause nausea, scabies, the cancers, the crazies and a big ol booty. Click at your own risk – Tina Knowles HSN collection
 
I lovez you Tina, so sexi mammi!
 
Peoplez, in case none of you received the note I sent via carrier pigeon, I personally have a crush on Mrs. Tina Knowles *singing Here’s to you Mrs Robinson/Jesus loves you more than you will know*.  Hot old chicks rock!  However, anytime anyone starts peddlin’ wares on HSN,  my spidey sense starts tingling and I get a huge rash on my butt the shape of Texas.  We all know that the whole House of Dereon thing hasn’t gone so well since most of what they’ve put out can only be worn on stage ‘Survivin’ with Destiny’s Child or pattin yo weave on the set of Single Ladies.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d still drank Beyonce’s bathin’ water after a rough and sweaty world tour but Dereon wasn’t what I thought it would be………………or actually it’s exactly what I thought it would be *sad face/disappointment in life*. 
 
Everything’s just so random and the word “cohesive” is like a child no one wanted but no one had the courage to get rid of so they just ignore it.  I stang by how yummi Tina Knowles make me feel on the inside part but it’s time to put this project sleep in the sweet rest of Jesus and euthanasia.  Of course, I am talking about HSN and that’s where fashion is murdered slowly along with your salary.  Which brings me to my 2nd point,  I’ll be starting an HSN rehabilitation group soon……..not for me, for you………really………..don’t judge Z’maji! 
 
Z’maji of HauteBlogXOXO

What Use To Was………..

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Do you remember when you’d watch a Lindsey Lohan movie and before you knew it, you were drooling into your popcorn with the butter like oil substance?  There was a time when that freckled bosom was the most searched for thing online. Search engines where crashing at the overwhelming quest of young boys and dirty geezers to find just a twinkle of milky white Mean Girl flesh…………..God, I’ve made me’self hot.  Now-a-days however,  I’d rather watch Rosie O’Donnel win a wet t-shirt contest *shiver*.  That might be a bit dramatic but I won’t take it back,  I’m gangsta like that.  What happened to that hot piece that was making crappy teen movies and bein all readheaded and hot and stuff?  This is the problem with celebrity.  I always compare fame to one of those sucky face spider things from the movie Alien,  it’s ALWAYS gonna end real bad.  It just sucks the life from you and all that’s left is an emaciated douchebag on auto-pilot.  Dude, I mean, I wouldn’t hit it with YOUR no-no! 

     – Z’maji, “Hello……….Fed-Ex…………yes, can I deliver 5 whole hamz and a side of beef and a tub of lard and some aerosol cheese and a box of red hair dye to Lindsey Lohan……………………yea,  we gotta bring the sexy back……….*click*……hello?………..”

Devil Done Got All Up In The Airbrush Kit!

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Ooooo Aubrey,  Giiiiirrrl, You Such A Natural Beauty and Stuff……this can’t possibly be airbrushed! *WAMP-WAMP-WAAAANH*
 
Today in Never-Ever land,  somebody got airbrushed to the Motha McLovin T.  The cover says it’s Aubrey but this lump of undefined silicon anime, doin it’s best Jessica Rabbit bit, couldn’t possibly be my sweet little church girl.  I guess washing windshields at stop lights or goin to a temp agency to find a position of employment was out of the question.  How do you go from multi-platinum girl group to servin up monkey fixins and sexy cakes in Playwhore?  This is definitely not successful career planning  We here as FashionINDIE frown upon such shady dealins.
 
Whomever let the little boy play with the photo shop software over there at the magazine needs a good shrapnel facial and a chemical peel with boiled tranny urine………I’m sorry,  Extra Virgin Tranny Urine. 
 
She looks like a bedazzled albino turd.  It’s like RuPaul had too many of those microwaved pizza roll abominations and 2 hours later,  after he calmed down from thinking he was having menstrual cramps, realized it was just a gut bubble,  puckered and manured’ out God’s beloved that sits before you.  Look at my angel all rouged and ready for a Kodak.  DAMAGED indeed!  Well I hope she at least got a box of Krispy Kremes out of it.  I guess if it was a choice between suckin up to Diddly-Bops douchewater or playin Bingo with Hephner,  I’d choose dry humps at the retirement home too.  I love you so Aubrey……………..no, real talk, I really love you.
 
  – Z’maji, “When you play dominos with Satan Diddy,  this is what happens…………….THIS is what happens……”