Category Archives: Red Carpet

Red Carpet: Cee-Lo In White After Labor Day and Other Societal Rapes

 

Mah dude and Renaissance Man, Cee-Lo Green, as Pimperella: Grande Kunt of Da Bawl.

Behold, the Glooory of Heidi Klum in a tweeked Mondo original.

Charo givin you’se girls that glamorous “Scarlet O’Hara-Mammy-Make-Me-A-Couture-Outta-Mah-Mama-Bedazzled-Parlor-Drapes” look thats so Haute in da streets right now.

Lucrecia’s home-did prom shroud and Crayola box-braids.

RedCarpet: 2009 CMA’s

Yeeeeee-Dawwwgggy!  Well slap my cakez and stirrup my heffah hoez, who knew that country folks wore anything but Yee Haw jean overalls and the crisp, raunchy fragrance of horse droppinz? Wretched!  Well I didn’t know…….really I didn’t.  Honestly, the most amazin thing is that everybody had all their teef and no one was chewin on a piece of straw.  Of course, that’s false advertisin.  I mean,  I don’t even think there was anybody there that could say that their girlfriend was also their sister, what kinda knock off hoe down is that?  I just love that glittery backwoods chic of the CMA’s in all it’s bold, blonde, wide toothed bustiness and itz sparkling cloud of toxic hairspray.  I say a health lung tissue is a small sacrifice to make for Country music’s biggest night!  Mmm, smells like cow chips!

*takes a puff from oxygen tank*

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This is Rebe McEntire………and this is her fine middle age’d body draped in a low cut sequined gown, jealous much?

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Kellie Pickler lookin real right in a copper lame onesie, not sure about that hair, Do Ovah Pleeze!

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Best Dressed of the night, Sugarland!  Tailored suit and Tier-Trained gown game propah!  Jennifer…..how YOOOU doah? 

 

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The Power House Underwood in all her pageantee glory!  Miss Nashville better watch her spray tan’d bikini stubble!

 

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Kanye victim Taylor Swift in a chiffon sequined prom dress.

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Country’s hottest couple, The McGraws, lookin real sexy for Jesus

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LeAnn decked in all white AND a white gown *rimshot*.  Get it? NO?…….Get OUT!

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Nicole and Keith and her bosom, all choked up – screaming for air and retribution

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Uh Oh, Man-Diva Ovahness Alert! Someones lookin Fabuluuusssss Danny Gokeeeeyyy

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Chuck Wicks givin you face in a casket sharp, two piece.  Somebody put a mirror under his nose to see if he’s still breathin…….

Red Carpet: Law Abiding Citizen

 

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Gerard Butler lookin dapper dandy in charcoal gray tailored manliness with a touch of iridescence to appease that inner kunt.

 

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Regina Hall in a mini party shift with sequined scallop detail.  Lustrous layered lengths noted, flip it!

 

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Sanaa Lathan dazzles in steely gray and silver strapy spike sandals complemented by buttery thighs of thunda.  Accessory game proper, topped with flawless hair in high chignon.

 

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Oscar nominee (KNOW THIS, take a nap Haterz) Viola Davis’ athletic body draped in pleated fuchsia pink cocktail dress and gold criss-cross peep toes.  Razor’d and feathered boy cut with heavy bangs noted, Respect!

 

I woulda put Jamie Foxx but he looked like this:

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For a man that knows how to dress, I was thoroughly through after seeing this.  7 demeritz and 2 punches in the larynx for leavin your glam’ah at home.  Wretched…Indeed!

VMA’s Are Delushsizz Dah-linhk’, Simply Maaadening!

The VMA’s are as unpredictable as wedding night for 2 virgins,  it might end with a show stopping performance with special effects and a light show or it might end in tears with some douchcack *cough*Kanye*cough* ruining what was supposed to be the greatest night of your life by getting his and leaving you unsatisfied, greasy and cheated.  No matter what happens at this 3 ring monkey spectacle,  there’s always something interesting to view which brings us to our 1st monkey, the fabulous and avant garde Lady of Gaga

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Jean Paul Gaultier be damned,  tar’d and feather’d, diddle’d and slaughtere’d,  I lovez it.  I lovez it so much,  I’ll forgive the bloody desecration of that beautiful white leotard during her performance,  talk about a heavy flow!  Po’ chile’ don’t even know where she is right now………..Land Pooh,  the runway is clear, land.

 

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Thick, buttery Creole drizzled McJiggleYumz poured into couture,  must a say more?

 

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The hippy wonder kilt in a Balmain mini and thigh high platform boots.  I surely wanna thank ya mama for all that puddinz.  I feel international relations improving as I speak,  thank ya Gawd!

 

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And for his charcoal, finely tailored Calvin Klein unit, the award for Man-Diva Ovahness goes to………..um,………?

 

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Alicia Keys in mirrorball glam,  who knew that those gams were hiding under that piano?  Cocoa Butter does a body good.

 

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Dapper dandy Chace, does dressy casual b’cuz that ‘I just knocked down a few shameless and eager groupies at the hotel on my Sealy Posturpedic’ look is carvin fashion identiteez.  Thumbs up!

 

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They say that Beyonce let Solange out the basement to perform her sisterly duties such as carrying B’s purse,  retouching B’s lip-gloss,  tasting B’s champagne to make sure it was laced with poison but I say she floated right off a runway and gave us fever that no ‘dragon’ could ever muster.  Take me back to the basement with you Solo,  I’ll let cha shave me…….

 

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Well he might be full of poo and diarrhea but Kanye knows how to accessorize.  Check the snakeskin bag on his arm,  that bag is really holdin,  I mean it’s stuffed.

Z’maji Sayz: And Yes, Even The Red Carpet Was Bored.

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I don’t understand how you can have lots of cash money fundages that you didn’t have to lay on your back to make or get on your knees for and you can’t for the love of Sasha Fierce’s glitter poo find a stylist with an original point of view *Grrrr*.
 
I’m belly achin’ of course because the Golden Globes went down a few days ago (and by ‘Golden Globes WENT DOWN’,   I don’t mean Pam Anderson made another tape with Tommy) and even tho the ladies were dressed to the Motha-McLovin-T,  the ensembles were all so monotonous,  typical and just plain ol’ icky caca boring.  You know things are wrong when you start to make life choices such as, “should I keep watching this trash or go in my closet and smother myself in a pile of couture?”  It was more painful to watch than sitting in another city whilst your FashionINDIE co-workers live blog from the sidelines of a fashion show *sad*…………and that’s real tangible pain like kidney stones or asbestos panties or anger sex with Judge Judy.

The HAUTES & the nautes: Golden Globes 09′

 

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I’ve been real excited about the 09′ award season but I see I would’ve gotten more thrill out of a syringe of premium grade butt fat on it’s way into some ancient socialite’s lips and slinky-like bosom sectionz.  Don’t get me wrong,  many of the women were dressed to the motha-mclovin-T but their wardrobe choices had all the flavor and refreshment of that urine beverage water the Kathie Lee sweat shop kids drink.  I’m surprised that the red carpet didn’t roll it self up and quit in the middle of the precession,  just pissed cuz it all sucked so much.  I just love how these chicks get on the red carpet and stand there like I owe them a box of crackers and a Valium for successfully putting on clothing.  No you’ll get your Scoobie snax and extracurricular pill fix when you show up in the proper goods,  now let’s start killing some stylists………………….FIRING,  I meant firing some stylists,  that’s what I meant.

Now that I’ve passed that dramatic turd,  The HAUTES & the nautes:

 

The HAUTES:

 

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‘Auf Wiedersehen’ indeed cuz it’s nothing but goodbye and ovahness when Heidi blessed the dead-carpet with a playful vintage cocktail dress by Galliano

 

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Drew looked sexy and fresh out the bed from award night love gettin’ in Dior by Galliano. 

 

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The cliched red dress was anything BUT on lil Eva(that’s her gangsta rap name) by Reem Acra. 

 

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Lady McJiggle’Yums looked ready for some good ol’ Texas hog-tyin’ and chitlin shuckin at the spring cotillion.   A thick & buttery vision in Elie Saab.

 

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“I’ll never let go” said Kate Winslet before she dunked Leo’s cold lifeless body, to save her own, after their ocean liner sort of capsized……….and she remembered she had this dress at home.   Thank God she’s selfish cuz she’s killin yawl in classic Yves St. Laurent. 

 

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Some really hot colored chick named Viola Davis,  with magnificent upper baby feedin’ setz and a whole lot of pretty teeth.

 

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JLo’s butt wore Marchesa and the rest of her for an accessory. 

 

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St. Angie of La Bradford in Versace.  Her only jewelry?  Her heart of gold and the glory of the lord.

 

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Susan Sarandon holding it down for the grannies with healthy libidos and high perky bosomz in Hugo Boss.

 

 

the nautes: 

Disclaimer:  The following may cause nausea and intense disappointment along with feelings of depression and a sense of injustice.

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Cam,  maybe you should “smoke” AFTER you’ve picked out your ensemble from now on boo!

 

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I personally think Rumer Willis is lovely buuuuuutttt……………….I will say however,  if you just put your thumb right over her head, this picture works itself out.  Ronald McDonald did not approve the sell of his hair color to the everyday peoplez.

 

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Glen Close is such a handsome woman,  I love her black Baptist Easter Sunday outfit.  I’m just waiting for her to “catch the Holy Ghost”.

 

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*stares blankly*

 

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“Arrrgggh!  And after the croc ate me hand,  he dressed me up in the dark with no bra so’s me teets could hang to me knees”

 

Questionable Mention:

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I don’t think this is as bad as people say it is.  It’s just the sleeves and the “my breath smells like low self-esteem and I can taste it” face are bad accessorization…………….is that a word?

HAUTE!!!: The MET Gala Is Here!…….Anna Wintour Be Praised!

The Costume Institue’s annual Benefit Gala is an auspicious ocassion that celebrates the beauty and majesty of designers on the forefront of fashion……………..in other words it’s an opportunity for stars to get together and worship Anna Wintour in the hopes that she won’t eat their 1st born.  The highlight of course is the red carpet seeing that this is the most prestigious night in fashion.  Therefore fashnophiles,  it is my pleasure to praise those with a great stylist and RIP NEW BODY CAVITIES for those void of brain activity, that would dare to show up in trash!  Let us proceed:

 

Sweet Lil Camilla Belle in aquamarine Armani Prive…..Oh, pinch her cheeks and slap her toosh and hump her leg.

 

Thandie Newton in Chanel, lookin’ like she’ll slash your tires and steal your man, steal me Thandie baby!

 

Naomi Watts homage to screen sirens in Thierry Mugler……..awkwaaarrdd!

 

Katem’s in Armani, AGAIN! I actually like it, Scientology do a body good.

 

Christina Ricci in haute couture from Givenchy by Ricardo Tisci with that emaciated look that’s so hot right now.

 

My Jenny from the Corner rockin’ that post baby body in Alberta Ferretti.  Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, these 50 carat earrings and carat cuffs from Loraine Swartz cost more than your govenment housing…..

 

Rock princess Liv Tyler in Calvin Klein…..now that’s publicity you can’t pay for Calvin.

Gown by Calvin Klein, Sergio Rossi heels, David Webb jewels, Eva Mendes….flawless and jiggly fine.

 

American Sweethearts George and Julia in Armani accompanied by the crispy namesake himself.

 

I have no idea what Johnny is wearing, but that boy is casket-sharp and ready to meet Jesus

 

Speaking of biblical figures,  Kate Bosworth(in Chanel Couture/Pierre Hardy shoes) and Karl Lagerfeld channel The Harlot of Babylon and Satan, Prince of Darkness

 

Blake Lively is soooo uptown in Ralph Lauren and Harry Winston jewels.  She looks mah’valous……..God forbid that I might actually have to start watching Gossip Girl!

 

Manhattan princess Ivanka Trump in J. Mendel and I still can’t believe that something that looks like The Donald leaked out something this HOT!

 

David and Stick-Figure Spice looking so D’Lushus in Armani, of course, but even if they showed up in fish-fillet McSandwhich wrappers they’d still look HOT & ZEXY!

 

Sarah Michelle looking bored in Calvin Klein, “Can Me Has A Vampire To Slay Now?”

 

My S&TC sweetie Kristin Davis doin Michael Kors justice.  See ya on May 30th mama, then we shall ‘has’ the sex!

 

Don’t know who Venus is wearing, but I DO know she looks gooder than a McRib with extra grease

 

WAMP! Don’t Care!

Janet, Miss Jackson if ya nasty in a white plunging crossback from Atelier Versace

 

Zac Posen ‘doin da fool’ in what I’m sure is his own design.  At least he knows how to accessorize, Nothings cuter than a hot chick on your arm draped in couture.

Donatella Versace and her spawn, draped in faberlouz couture, dazed-confused-and hungrier than 3rd world orphans.

 

Michelle Trachtenberg’s vintage was kind of a good idea not really…….understand? Me neither.

 

I love Fergs in this Calvin Klein but her face would frighten the arizen dead

 

Joy Bryant’s plea for attention……

 

Mrs. Tony Parker lookin’ yummy in Marchesa.  Married Relations do wonders for the complextion……..and the bank account.

 

Giselle and Tommy in Versace…..all’s right in the world.

 

Beyonce’s ba-dunk-a-doo draped in Armani………Oh another chick in Armani, WoW, isn’t that different, cuz nobody else is wearing Armani….

 

What in malnourished, 3rd world hunger, Lord of the Rings hobbit face-ded, cracked out child star hail is goin’ on with the Trolsens desecrating Diane von Furstenberg gowns.  Diane’s gonna be pissed in the morning….

 

A former child star sans extra curricular drugs.  Hilary in Elie Saab and emerald/diamond jewels from Lorraine Schwartz