Category Archives: Tha’ Cockeye-ded Fool

Rachel Zoe VS Rachel Zoe………Which Robot Is Real?

*Rachel Zoe stacatto rambling* “Couldn’t – You – Just – Uh – Die?”

Of course, I personally could’ve died watchin this, but the delicious blood of Christ has beat back the kunt of death…………I thank you dear Jesus……thank you.  Y’know, the only way you can tell which is the real Rachel Zoe is by the premium strand donkey hair weaving around the hairline.  Everybody knows Rachel Zoe, my boo, don’t wear no premium strand, nothin but midwest trailer shedded flyaways.  That cyborg too did up to be my boo! *gum pop*

MANmaries All In Ya FlatScreen, Blame Old Spice Dude!

 

 

 

Old Spice Dude answering questions to fans and celebrity stalkers?  My Gaude, My GAUDE!  ARRRGGH, Tiddys!!!

Everytime I turn around Tiddys!  Old Spice Tiddys here, Old Spice Tiddys there, everywhere!  Old Spice Tiddys on the t.v. & on the radio. Old Spice Tiddy shapes in the clouds, jiggle flexin through my nightmares, holdin up banks at gunpoint, suffocatin death row inmates for the state to save tax payer dollars and NOW Old Spice Tiddy setz on the YouTube?!  Did  a certain *ahem* starlet part her thighs and unleash Apocalypse already?  Well, If you ain’t know, Old Spice dude is shuckin them MANmaries for fortune & fame and I’m p-i-ss-e-d.  Of course, if the truth be told I have the tiddy envy.  Not that my boi-tiddyz aren’t evuhreethiing, but……..well……..Old Spice dudes are just…………well, bigger than mine.  It just reminds me that I benchpress the same amount as a sickly young armless girl and that’s just depressing.  Enjoy these tiddys while I get back on my workout regimeeenn.

 

 

More Old Tiddy here: OldSpiceYouTube

 

 

When Wannabe’s Attack!

It’s a stampede of candidates for America’s Next Flop Model.  Yes childrenz, you read right, they stampeded like a hoard of cows tryin to get to the feedin trough at the Olive Garden, Moooooo!  Not to volunteer to help in a needy community or to provide blood so there would be surplus for life saving purposes or to burn Anna Wintour in effigy, not important causes like that.  No, these delicate young heffas straight grid-ironed and clawed and catted their way forward for the chance to bask in the glow of Tyra’s premium silky weave.  I know Tyra’s gonna turn this into a “very special Tyra” episode and talk to the “victims” about how they overcame this “hardship” and it’s all gonna lead back to her.  I mean really, must we push, everyone will have their chance to be told to go kill themselves.  This is just ridiculous, I thought I was watchin’ a soup line in a 3rd world country and what’s pitiful is that most of these wannabes will be models when Satan starts up an ice cold lemonade stand in hell on the 4th of “Nevuary”.  I would call them whores for attention but I gave up snarkiness for lent………………………so I won’t call them whores……………………I’m just not gonna call them whores……………………no, I’m not calling them that…………not whores………………………wait, what is lent again?

Whora The Explora Must Be Stopped!

15 The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!

Just so you know, I have CPS on speed dial and you’re 1 violation away from me using it douchecock!
14 The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!
Fashnophiles and Loving Parents the only thing worse than those horrible eye sores called Crocs is Dora The Explorer Crocs and the only thing worse than that is actually dressing your child up in those Whora The Explora Crocs, AAARRRGGHH! KILL NOW!
A chick brought her child into my shop to get her hair braided and lo and behold that little monkey had on Dora The ‘Freakin’ Explorer Crocs. There’s actually merchandise that bares her likeness which I’m exceedingly sure was constructed in the 3rd world by lil’ Paco or Ming Choo at a whopping 1cent a day salary, therefore pissing us off just that little bit extra. How do you know you could be out parented by a poo slingin’ chimp? 1) Your daughter’s on the pole 2) Your daughter’s creepin like TLC  3) Your child owns a pair of Dora The Explorer Crocs…………clearly you’ve failed!
 

If you don’t kill her, I will!

24 The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!

It was all I could do not to douse the child in holy water and curse the prince of darkness for the pure and unholy, cockeye-ded foolishness’es that was set before my eyes. I could just see the blood and sweat of underpaid sweat shop laborers glistening off the logo while that Explora The Whora smiled back at me. I don’t know why I hate that little box headed trollop but I know that a forray into fashion is sure to get the offices of Nickelodeon a medley of hate mail and unmarked, ticking packages. Stop It! Stop It Now! OVAH HA!
16 The Worst Possible Fashion Statment Ever!
Lay off the snacky cakes and lil debras, Fatty

Questionable?: Mmmmm, Placenta….

That old saying really does ring true………The Japanese Are Crazier Than A Soup Sang’which!  If you enjoy the taste of fetus and baby poo, Q-Bit, has made a line of products just for you.  Drinks, pills, jellies and face masks all with purified placenta for your pleasant consumption.  How exciting the opportunity to smear fetal excrement’s on your face.  I know that when you think of having a refreshin’ drink on a warm afternoon the 1st thing that comes to your mind is iced tea with a twist of placenta,  Yummiez,  love them dead babies.

Z’maji, “It’s really pig placenta, disgusting, but not human……………but still the work of Satan” 

 

 

 

Fooleries Is Haute: Tender Virginal Flesh Bits

I know that this is sooooo overexposed right now, but this whole thing with Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair and her exposed back sections is silly.  I mean I understand there being SOME concern,  but people are starting to question if Billy Ray Cyrus is a good father.  Speaking of Disney Channel virgins acting inappropriately in front of flash photography,  this isn’t even as bad as when Vanessa Hudgens exposed her unkempt bush to the nations with those pictures that were “accidently” leaked to the ‘innanetz’.  That was totally a publicity stunt and a desperate plea for a Brazilian wax.  Miley however just made a questionable decision.  I mean this is 2008, there’s all kinds of perverts and lurkin’ 40 year old virgins to be allowing your daughter to whore expose herself to the media.  As for me, sweet lemon merengue flavored Jesus knows that “Achey Breaky Heart” would be a number one hit again before I would let my own daughter expose even her elbow.

 – Z’maji, “What we really need to be discussing is the ribs poking out her back!”

Wardrobe Malfunction: Gossip Girls Wear Granny’s Curtains

Fooleries Past and Present

 What in the Scarlett O’Hara green drapery hail is goin on with this dress.  Fringe ain’t cute nor is it lawful in 49 states,  KILL HER JESUS – PLEASE KILL HER!  It is unacceptable to tear up your Granny’s curtains and wear them out in front of innocent, unsuspecting people………….

UNLESS, you’re a southern belle in Civil War America and your home has just been demolished by the Yankee army leaving you nothing but your dead mothers drapes with which you have your mammy design you a couture gown so that you can go into Atlanta to visit Rhett Butler and get cash funds to pay the taxes on TARA!  That is the only excuse, therefore madam, you are in violation and in need of a kick to the throat.  Leighton whats her face from Gossip Girl wore this to, of all places, the Metropolitan Opera House <GASP>.  She’s a lovely girl but who in hell left the gate open?  The bust line doesn’t even fit her iddy biddies, the waist line is bulky with the bottom of somebody’s Grandmama’s curtains & the fabric looks soooo cheap.  I guess she’s been to busy gossipin’ to notice that her gay best friend stylist is setting her up for failure.

-Z’maji, “….something nice?! Um, ok………..she don’t look as stank as I would have expected?”